Adrian turned around, convinced he was about to have his first run in with a ghost. Blood rushed to the tip of his ears and his heartbeat raced against time, but all he could focus on was his breathing and trying not to shit his pants. He never thought about other beings in this world; he had a hard enough time making conversation with humans, let alone ghosts or creatures of the night.
But when he turned around, he didn’t see a thing. The empty air should have been expected since ghosts couldn’t be seen (and they didn’t exist). Perhaps he was losing his mind. He could be slowly drifting into crazy town each time he tried to put a name to what must have been the wind. He wanted to believe that it was nothing. Who would want to know they were being haunted by a ghost? Why would anyone make up a story like this unless they were going insane?
His hands were shaking again, fidgeting out of his control. This was what his life felt like most of the time. The world kept turning and moving. No one eve stopped to notice he was dying on the inside. They couldn’t see how he second guessed his decisions or how cut off he was from the ones he loved. Gemma had a family. A little girl that looked just like her and a husband that loved to take her out to the movies and cuddle on the couch during family gatherings. His mom remarried after his father passed and was looking to adopt a baby boy from China. Those were things he loved in this world: spending time with the people who mattered the most to him.
Of course, Nick was in there—somewhere. He was someone hard to place in a specific group. Mainly because he made sure to make it known he couldn’t be placed without a thorough evaluation. He liked to be the odd one out or the unique one. Everything he said or did was another point to prove he was the one to break stereotypes. When they met, Nick’s constant need for originality was one of the things that drew Adrian to him. They were young, barely out of elementary, when Nick came running out onto the playground. Adrian liked to swing and play monsters with his classmates, but when Nick entered the picture, it was just them.
They were best friends, a perfect match. What Adrian liked to play, Nick did too. If Nick liked a book, so did Adrian. They were like the same person, only taking up residence in different bodies. The one thing that Adrian wanted the most when they were younger was to be Nick’s best friend forever. And it was half true.
Until they reached high school.
Adrian hadn’t figured out the whole sexuality thing until he was a Sophomore. The locker rooms weren’t a huge deal. He’d seen more dick in the porn Nick liked to show him even if there was a girl. The deal breaker were the nights Nick would sneak him out and take him to college parties. At the time Nick had been hanging out with his older brother a lot more, always dragging Adrian with them on adventures.
College parties were completely different than high school parties. In high school, it was always about getting drunk and snogging in the corner. But college took partying to another level. Instead of getting wasted you go high and after you snogged a bit you took it upstairs or out to your car—whatever was closest. It was a strange difference, one that he hadn’t gotten use to. Not when he’d only been to one high school party and it was only four guys drinking spiked Kool-Aid.
That was the night he caught Nick kissing someone in the corner, shirts off and hands in each others pants. They ground together and didn’t notice him until they opened their eyes. He remembered the way Nick had smiled at him, pulling his hand out and showing him that it had been a girl he’d been grinding on.
It had been torture the next two years. After that, another year passed until they finally moved in with each other.
Thinking about it now made it harder on his decision. There were a lot of things that they needed to work out, not even between each other really. Adrian wanted to go to school, wanted to have his own place for just a bit. It was really only to feel like a real adult. He didn’t want to rely on anyone for the rest of his life. Because...Nick and him, they were going to be together forever, weren’t they?
All the things they promised each other wouldn’t be lies or meaningless crap they whispered to one another while cuddling in Adrian’s bed. Nothing would change if they drifted apart for a year or two. They would always be in each other’s back pocket; a voice they couldn’t get rid of; a touch that they wouldn’t want to lose. It had always been Adrian and Nick. Nick and Adrian.
“Stop thinking, Adrian. Just stop it,” he said, low enough so Nick wouldn’t be able to hear him. The TV was louder now. A newswoman was talking about a little girl who’d gone missing.
He couldn’t register the words. They were only muffled sounds in the distance. There weren’t any ghosts in their apartment. If there were, they would have attacked them a long time ago. Maybe the first night they moved in.
His mom, Anne, would say the same thing each time they moved. Gemma liked to terrorize him because he was the youngest—not because she hated him. Oddly enough, Gemma and Adrian got along better than siblings were suppose to do. Scaring Adrian wasn’t out of hate; it was a kind jester that gave him the excuse to stick close to his older sister.
At first, Anne had been afraid Adrian would never rely on himself when he grew older. She was right and she didn’t even know it.
He’s walked to the living room before he could think about it. Nick’s feet were set in his spot on the couch. He moved them to his lap as he sat down. There was no need to ask if Nick wanted his feet rubbed. He always did. Adrian hummed the tune again, running his long fingers over Nick’s cold feet, rubbing and kneading the way Nick liked. Nick smiled for a second before he turned his attention back to the news.
The smile was the sign.
Adrian kept massaging. “Hey, can we talk?”
“What?” Nick kept watching the woman speak about a car crash.
“I want to ask you something.”
Nick picked up the remote and paused when the camera zoomed in on the wreckage. “Adrian, is that—is that your car?”
Adrian whipped his head towards the TV.
He didn’t know what he expected to see. Most of the things that appeared on the news were about death or politics. Those weren’t things he wanted to think about, not when he had a million other things to worry about. In about an hour, he’ll be at work, making sure no one overloaded the washing machines or tried to break into the coin dispenser. Though nothing exciting ever happened on his shift, people liked to bother him. They’d ask him for money or a smoke. They knew he wouldn’t lend either because he had neither, but they still asked.
He didn’t have time to worry about the more unfortunate. People died all the time. It wasn’t anything new to the world and yet it was broadcast twenty-four-seven.
Nothing about another death should have been surprising.
An image flashed onto the screen of the crash site. The blood and guts were censored, cleaned up for viewers at home.
Nick turned up the volume. He didn’t ask if Adrian wanted to listen.
“—found empty and stripped of any identification. Police are still searching through the database for any matching stolen vehicle or missing persons report.”
The news went back to the main studio, leaving the rest of the details untouched. Nick sat still. He was waiting for an answer, looking at Adrian as if he was going to tell him everything. Adrian would if he could. But he couldn’t.
It unsettled him more than the presence in the kitchen. He was sure he wasn’t wrong about this. That couldn’t be his car. It was impossible. Extremely because—
He shook his head and let out a shaky breath. Adrian didn’t own a car. He’d never bought one, so how could that be his?
***
Things weren’t going as he’d planned. Nick was still watching TV, engrossed with whatever was playing while Adrian was in the kitchen, scrubbing a hole into a pan. He wasn’t mad. Just frustrated, mostly with himself rather than Nick. After his little freak, which was just him mentally hyperventilating, he’d gone into what he liked to call his Mom Mode. Mostly it was a clever—but not really—name. AKA a cleaning phase to calm his nerves, but it didn’t sound as cool.
Shut up already.
He bit his lip and concentrated on scrubbing. The tips of his fingers were turning numb, the feeling in them fading away until there was nothing. He pushed through the strange feeling and pictured something like paradise in his mind. There were many places he could try to escape to. A beach or a busy city. The places he could imagine could be anything really. One day he could be flying high in a space ship while in the next he could be a doctor who saved the life of a little girl. Nick and him could be living in their dream house, happily married or fussing over something so married like—maybe which color of towels they wanted in their bathroom.
When he reached into the back of his mind, digging for anything to dream up, there were endless possibilities. Beyond his imagination was where he wanted to go. Not only did he want to escape from reality, he also wanted to escape from his own imagination. His mind was like a huge circle. He started at one place but no matter what he did, he always came back. It was an endless loop of disappointment.
A certified route to failure.
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