I open my eyes. It is morning and the sun is oozing through my window. Instinctively I grab for the black ball next to my pillow. It still has blood crusted on it. I never washed it. I shake the ball as I roll over onto my stomach to look at my phone. Nine o’clock.
“Should I get up today?” I ask the empty room. Turning over the ball I look at my answer written with raised print on the small blue triangle in the circular window of the ball. Blue liquid seeps off the edge of the triangle revealing the white print. ‘LOOKS LIKE YES’.
I sigh dragging myself into an upright position. I look around my empty room. Cloths scatter the wood floor and the blank white walls stare back at me vacantly. The only color in the room is the dark blue bed spread rumpled and sagging off the side of the bed from another rough night. I rub my face with my empty hand. I had the dream again.
I look at the clock again remembering that it is Wednesday, a school day, and I’m late. I sigh again looking down into my lap. My boxer shorts are wrinkled. I didn’t get dressed yesterday and only got out of bed to pee. Lifting the ball I ask it another question.
“Should I go to school today?” I almost whisper. ‘YES.’
I climb to me feet. “Should I shower?”
‘CHANCES AREN’T GOOD.’ Bending I grab a pair of jeans from the floor and pull them on. I’ve lost weight and they are too big falling low on my hips. Retrieving a shirt I pull it over my head and leave the room. The small apartment is a mess. The floors are dirty and there is only a worn down couch and a wooden chair for furniture. The kitchen is empty which doesn’t bother me. I don’t eat in there anyway.
My hoodie is on the floor by a hook next to the door. There is a pile of letters, wrinkled and torn from their trip under the door. I recognize one immediately. The yellow envelope stands out clearly. I don’t have to read it to know what the return address says. I reach down pulling it from the pile. My eyes scan the left corner anyway. WASHINGTON ST. MENTAL HEALTH FACILITY. I rip the letter in half once then twice then again and again until it is in little squares. I toss it over my shoulder retrieving my jacket. Pulling it on I shove in the ball and leave pulling the door closed behind me.
The stairs are on the outside of the building and the elevator is broken, not that I would use it anyway. Pulling on my hood despite the warm weather, I start on my way down. I am on the third floor and the distance isn’t hard.
The streets are near empty this late in the morning and my walk is quiet. My iPod and headphones are in my hoodie from the day before yesterday. I didn't go to school that day either, rather I stayed in the apartment in my room on the floor. I pull them out now plugging my ears with the rubber heads. Music blares defining me of all other sounds. A car rushes by me, the wind tearing at everything in its wake clearly going too fast. I can see the schools two story building over the tops of a few gigantic trees that didn’t get the memo that the world sucks and there is nothing worth growing so tall for.
The front of the school is almost creepily quiet. The large stone sign lays on a patch of green lawn in the front. I tread across the grass leaving small dents behind me. Hopping up onto the sidewalk I walk to the door and yank it open. The halls are empty as I move past the office. There is only one secretary. The other is with the principal in his back office. I can see them through the open blinds. There is another woman and a teenage girl with him.
The secretary looks up at me as I pass but she doesn’t bother me. It isn’t the first time I’ve shown up late. I keep walking ignoring her disapproving stare. Should I go to class? I ask myself pulling the ball out with my right hand and giving it a little shake. ‘NO DOUBT ABOUT IT’ stares up at me. The clock on the wall reads 10:26. I turn down another hall toward my second period classroom. I reach the closed door resting my hand on the knob.
A teacher's voice echoes from a few classrooms down toward me. I jerk the handle down and fling the door open. Everyone turns to look at me. I ignore their stares as they follow me to my seat. Eventually they return their attention back to the teacher and she continues. Ignoring everything else I turn to the window but I don't see past the glass.
The class is already half over but I lose track of time trying to keep my mind blank of any thought. Thoughts are dangerous. They always lead me back on a long and heart crushing path back to that moment. The one I couldn’t stop from happening. How could I have known? I never knew anything was wrong with my father. He got strange sometimes but how could I have known he would do something so terrible. I squeeze my eyes closed wishing the thoughts away but they don’t budge. They remain there suffocating me.
I focus on the music turning up the volume to drown out the thoughts it works a little and soon I am able to open my eyes again. The girl in front of me glances over her shoulder at me. I pretend I don’t notice and keep staring at the window but seeing nothing beyond.
The bell rings but I don’t hear it over my music. I know class is over when everyone stands up moving toward the door. I wait until the classroom is empty before getting up from my desk and leaving. Mrs. Winston walks toward me as if she wants to speak to me but I ignore her walking out of the open door. She doesn’t follow me. I’m sure she wants to talk to me about makeup work or something but I just don’t care.
I draw the ball once again out of my pocket turning it over as I ask it the question. ‘NO.’ guess I won’t be having any lunch today. I am invisible in the crowds swarming around me; a small stone in a much larger river. No one sees me. No one cares. They are all smiling and laughing. Everything is perfect in their lives. I see two making out in the corner. A group of kids are even dancing to a small speaker eating their lunch’s right there on the floor. A loud laugh echoes around me, taunting me. I spin in a circle then turn, desperate to get out of the storm.
More people surge around me. My breath catches in my throat. I panic walking faster. I push through a large group knocking a few of them off balance. One of them glares at me furiously. He is yelling and I can read the curses on his lips but I press on desperate for a breath of fresh air. They are everywhere and I can’t breathe. There is air all around me but I can't manage to pull any into my lungs. I duck in between two vending machines pressing my back to the cold brick wall and sliding down to the ground. The passing bodies make the ceiling lights look like strobe lights as they pass by unaware of me. I slam my eyes closed shoving my forehead to my knees and take a deep breath. I shouldn’t have come.
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