Kit’s POV

I had gone through therapy quite a few times in my life. The first time was back in my first foster home. With my parents recently dead in a car crash the progressive couple thought therapy would be a good way for a 10 year old to learn how to grieve. It wasn’t.

The next time was when I was 15 when it was court ordered. I may have thrown a brick through a teacher’s windshield after getting high and pissed when she gave my perfect English paper a B- when I deserved an A+. My social worker explained she thought it was just anger issues and acting out with me being in and out of new foster homes every three seconds. The only reason I went was because I couldn’t find a way out of it and I didn’t want them to know I was using.

Then in rehab when the secret had been let out of the bag in my last home. Damn fosters went snooping through my shit and found my heroin. They immediately told my social worker and the next thing I know I have my bags packed and we’re pulling up to the only rehab center in the small ass town.

I guess that was the first time I started taking therapy seriously. Not right away of course but over time I figured it was a decent idea to explain to all these stuck up assholes that I didn’t have a problem and didn’t need fixing. It wasn’t until I said the words “I can quit whenever I want” out loud did I realize that maybe they had a point. 

It took a few months for me to even get to that point though. I was convinced that therapy was a complete waste of my time. I mean I had been through this shit twice before now and it didn’t help then so what was the point in trying this time either. Most of my sessions involved me staring at the woman in front of me until my time was over but when she started blocking out whole days for me and refusing to let me leave until we had some sort of conversation I caved. I still hated it and only spoke to get out of there sooner but I guess she considered that a win.

After a few more sessions that was just us making small talk she started prodding at shit she had no right to prod at. My parents’ deaths, the brick, the drugs, if I think the ADHD is the reason I started using since before now it wasn’t diagnosed and I was unmedicated for so long. I shut down for a while but gave in when Nathen and Cody pulled me aside and asked if I was even trying. I didn’t want to lie to them so when I told them no, I couldn’t care less they scolded me for days until I gave in.

8 months later and therapy was just a thing I did now. I’d gotten over my hatred for it and as much as I hated to say it, Cody and Nathen were right, it was pretty helpful to talk to someone who can help. 

So now I sat here in front of Andrew wondering what we were going to talk about for the next hour.

“So is there anything specifically you want to discuss today,” Andrew asked as he pulled my folder out from the cabinet in his desk. 

“Not really. I’m just going with the flow today I guess.”

“We haven’t really talked about you life outside of the foster system. I’m sure you got enough drug talk from rehab but if you’re up to it I’d like to discuss how you went down that path.”

“Not really much to it,” I said honestly with a shrug. “I was 15, in home number 5, angry at the world, some of my friends were all going to hang out at the skate park, a few older kids were hanging out there too passing around a bong and one the ones from my group asked if he could get in on it, and before long all of us were passing it around and getting high off our asses. It became a habit where all of our hang outs involved weed in some way but after a while I stopped getting as high off of it and it was becoming too much money so when I was out at a party I saw some older kids shooting something and asked what it was. It was all down hill from there.”

“So the anger is really what started all of it?”

“I guess you could say that.”

“And do you still struggle with anger? We could add ways to deal with it as part of our sessions in the future.”

“It’s not nearly as bad now. I was mostly just mad at the system. I hated that I was in it, I hated that almost every home I went to was either over crowded or couldn’t give two shits about the kids there. I hated that every time I made friends I had to leave them. I hated that for some reason barely any of my credits for the last school transferred so I was almost always in remedial classes that were going over things I already knew while I was being treated like an idiot. I’m sure being unmedicated didn’t help either. It felt like my heart was about to beat out of my chest all of the time and not being able to focus on basic tasks just made me frustrated with myself and that definitely added to the anger towards myself.”

“You were mad at yourself? On a percentage level how much of your anger was directed to yourself versus other people or things?”

“Probably 40%. I mean my parents’ car crash only happened because they were driving to come pick me up from school so at the beginning a lot of the anger was towards myself and then as the ADHD started getting worse it went up more. The inability to focus and the fidgeting and the always getting hurt made a lot of fosters not want me so it was my fault that I was always moving around. But I was more mad at all the fosters who gave up on me. I mean my parents lived with me for 10 years without giving up and some of these homes only stuck it out for a few months. It was bullshit.”

“If you could, what would be one key thing about your life that you would change?”

“Only one thing?”

“Just one for now,” Andrew said with a small smile as he got his pen ready to write something down.

“I mean if I could change anything I would change my parents dying. I feel like any kid with good parents would say that though.”

“And what do you think your life would look like if that was the case,” he asked as he wrote down my answer.

“I mean for one I wouldn’t be here. I would have never met Cody and Nathen and they’re my best friends but I’m sure I would have made other friends. I’d never know what a heroine high felt like which I’ve been told is a good thing,” I say with a small chuckle just to lighten the mood.

“You don’t agree that it would be a good thing to not know what drugs feel like?”

“Have you ever felt a drug high?” I asked with a genuine smile but judging by the look on Andrew’s face he did not agree with my statement.

“Do you think you would have been able to stay away from the drugs if your parents were still alive and had custody of you?”

“I don’t see why not. My dad was ADHD, he was unmedicated by choice but he was diagnosed so I know he would have at least believed me when I told him my symptoms and would have gotten me tested a lot sooner so I feel like that would have helped a lot.”

“Most boys at least get diagnosed pretty early in life since their symptoms are so disruptive. If you said they would have gotten you tested you as your symptoms worsened why weren’t you already diagnosed? I mean if your dad already knew the signs I would have assumed he would see the similarities and have you tested sooner.”

“I was always too busy as a kid. I played baseball in the spring and did basketball in the winter, walked a few dogs in the neighborhood after school and before practice; I didn’t have the energy to be disruptive. It wasn’t until all of that was gone that I started becoming too restless.”

“Under-stimulation is often what causes diagnoses for ADHD children so I guess that makes sense. Why didn’t you try to join any teams after you were put into the system?”

“I tried in the first home. I still had all of my old equipment and the family I was with seemed like they really did want to help me but they gave me up when they gave birth to their own child and didn’t have the time to take care of both of us. After that I started growing out of my clothes, my cleats and shoes were too small and the next family told me to pick one and I said baseball. After that my glove broke and I needed a new bat so the next home said I couldn’t play cause they couldn’t afford everything I needed with three other kids living with us. And I just gave up after the next move. Besides, the sport was never as fun since my parents weren’t there to watch me. My mom would always cheer so loud and my dad would scream at every ref that made a risky call against me. It’s not as fun when you don’t have people cheering for you. Most of my other fosters didn’t even bother going to games let alone practice. It wasn’t worth it.”

“We have teams here. We don’t play against other schools but it might still be nice to play again. Have you considered that?”

“I thought about it but I’ll be out of here by the end of the year. I don’t want to fall back in love with it just to have stop again when I leave. There’s not to many grown adults to play with who aren’t doing it for college.”

“I guess you make a decent point. What are you trying to do after you graduate? It’s never too early for us to start planning for that.” 

“I don’t really know to be honest. I didn’t really think I’d have the option to worry with all of this. Before my program all I cared about was getting through the day without ‘accidentally’ pushing an air bubble through my needle. The during the program all I was focused on was the fact that all I wanted to do was shoot up but couldn’t. And now that I’m here all I want is to get an apartment with my friends from rehab.”

“And you aren’t worried that having all of your addict friends together might risk some relapses?”

“I think it’ll actually be better for all of us. We’d be able to know the signs of addiction and hold all us accountable. That and we’ve all already lived together in rehab so we know how all of us like to live and how to keep our space clean enough for everyone to be okay with it.”

“I’m glad you’ll have a support group the second you get out. I’m sure that will help a lot. Several of our kids have had trouble adjusting after leaving and tend to slip into bad habits a bit too easily.”

“I’m excited to get out of here to be honest. Nathan, Cody and Anthony will all be released from their group and foster homes by then so we’ll be able to move right away. They’re all my best friends and I can’t wait to be around them all the time again. I don’t care what shitty job I have to get as long as I can still be around them all the time.”

“Have you made any friends here that you’d consider staying in contact with after you leave?”

“Just Roland. I tried making other friends the first few days but all the kids I talked to just wanted to know why Roland was so ‘weird’ and what it was like living with him so I just gave up. He’s a good guy, he doesn’t deserve to be treated like a circus act to gawk at. I’ll send him letters after I leave even if he doesn’t respond to them.”

“I think that’s really nice of you. He might not ever admit it but I think he would appreciate the fact that at least one person is thinking of him.”

“I doubt he’ll see it as anything other than me still trying to annoy him after I leave but I’m still not going to give up on him. I worried people will try to pick on him without me here. I guess that’s really the only thing I’m nervous about when it comes leaving.”

“People are bullying him,” Andrew asked as he looked up from his paper and put his pen down for the first time since starting today. 

“Not yet really. When I first got here they were bumping into him and I’ve heard people talking behind his back but that’s really all I’ve seen happen. I don’t even think he’s connected the dots that they’re trying to be mean, I think he hasn’t noticed the talk and just thinks the bumps are accidental. I made the few kids I saw stop when I saw it but if I’m not here to make them stop then who’s to say it won’t get worse?”

“I say it won’t get worse,” Andrew said with a frown on his face. “He hadn’t told me that any of that was happening. I had more hope for our students, I didn’t think they would turn on each other just because one kid was a little different considering all the pasts they’re coming from. I’ll be handling this.”

I couldn’t help but smile.

“I’m sure you will Andrew,” I said with a small chuckle. I didn’t believe him. Not because I thought Andrew wouldn’t try his best but because adults stepping in never helps. 

“Our time is almost over for the day. Is there anything else you wanted to talk about before we wrap up?”

I only shook my head as I stood up from my chair.

“Just tread carefully with the whole bullying thing. I don’t want it to back fire on the poor kid.”

I don’t wait for his response as I started walking to the door and set out to find Roland. 

Last updated January 16, 2024