Sam held up two of his favorite sweaters, one of them had a little panda and bunny on it. The other was less cute and more dark and brooding. It was black and blue smokey looking design with a blue lace detailing that went all the way up to the top. He stared at it. Before turning to hold it up in front of his chest in the long floor length mirror.
It looked decent. His eyes lit on Evan behind him laying on his stomach on top of the green and blue striped comforter on his bed. Legs in the air flipping through the pages of the album.
“I only see you and Max in so many of these, where are your family photos?” Evan asked.
Sam stared at the sweaters. ‘Why does he want to know that? What does he need to know about my family? I thought we weren’t getting serious… Isn’t family stuff serious?’
‘But you did just meet his family… But Evan only introduced you as a friend. Gahh why did he have to do that. You did it again, you told Max you wouldn't get attached and here you are getting attached. God why am I doing this… Why am I letting myself get attached when I said I wouldn’t. Why can’t I stop it from happening? Maybe it’s too fast… Maybe I shouldn’t have given in so many times.’
Sam watched Evan out of the corner of his eyes. But he continued packing. He only had about forty minutes left to leave for the airport and half a bag more to pack. Evan ignored him oblivious to the internal struggle happening inside of Sam at every moment they spent together over the past week since that night with Max on the bleachers.
‘Why did I even bring up that stupid idea of fake dating? We were enemies before. I should have just left it at that.’ Sam peaked past the sweaters.
“Stop staring and thinking whatever it is you are thinking and just ask me. I don’t read minds and I hate when people are disingenuous and hide what they are thinking. That only makes us all look like assholes.” Evan said without any fervor.
Sam sighed before putting them both down in the suitcase.
“What do you mean how does not saying anything make everyone assholes? Doesn’t that just mean someone is trying to spare your feelings?” Sam asked. “You know… Being considerate of someone else and their feelings.”
Evan scoffed. “Hiding something you are thinking instead of saying it isn’t considerate, it's annoying. It builds misunderstandings between people..”
Sam scrunched up his nose. ‘Why does that feel like experience talking? I wish I could ask him about it. I know he doesn’t love me, and that even if he did, that I wouldn’t be his first love. But I can’t ask him about it, when he doesn't even care about me like that. So how do I just come out and tell you I am scared that since Max and Leo are together now that this… us. That we are not even necessary?’
‘How do I tell you that I think I like you? This is the first relationship I have never had complete control over, where I haven’t been the one calling the shots. And now that it isn’t needed, I’m scared of you saying this is over. How do I ask you not to say those words to me? We have been intimate together. But we haven’t been intimate with our words before.’
‘Why does just the idea of that feel so scary and jarring?’
It had always been sexual with him, as long as someone could meet his needs physically that's all that mattered, but now he was on the edge of his seat just waiting for the other shoe to drop. For Evan to realize he had already slept with him, and the fake dating wasn’t necessary so there was no point anymore. He hated it. It felt so foreign to him.
He glanced up at Evan with interest though, stopping his packing to assess his fake boyfriend and his emotions.
“Seriously though, you want to stay here, alone? On Thanksgiving?” he asked Evan. Avoiding Evan’s earlier prodding entirely and pretending like Evan hadn’t just asked to know the deep dark thoughts he was thinking
“Well no…” Evan started. Who actually wants to be alone on any holiday, let alone one where the whole point is to be with other people. But what else am I supposed to do?” Evan said, shrugging.
Sam stopped folding, the shirt in his hands set as a mess atop the growing pile in his suitcase.
Evan’s phone rang loudly, startling the two of them.
“You should just come with me.” He blurted then froze as his brain processed what he had just done.
“Oh hey Leo, what's up?” Evan answered the phone, clearly not hearing what he had said.
‘Wait, did I say that aloud? I thought…??? Stupid broken brain. God, has my head hit the headboard one too many times lately. What the hell was that Sam? Why did I say that out loud? Did I just invite Evan to come home and meet my parents? Did I just invite my fake boyfriend of a few months to come home with me? That’s it, I've lost it.’
‘What am I doing, there is no way he is going to say yes, you have only made things awkward, what if this is what makes him realize things have gone too far?’
‘I mean yeah, you have met his parents, but June lives really close to the college with his dad. And his dad was home last night for the first time in three months so he had stopped by to surprise Evan. Then it was you have to come back for dinner, and one thing led to a proverbial nother. And he introduced you as friends. Friends! Sam. You idiot, that is not this. Yesterday is not like right now. It’s not like asking someone to fly across the country with me, like how they do in every cheesy movie out there. Gahh, what were you thinking… He could say no.’
“What?” Evan asked. “Oh yeah, absolutely. I would love to. That's cool they phoned you up. Give me twenty minutes.” Evan hung the phone up.
“That was Leo,” he said awkwardly.
Sam blinked in surprise, a slow awkward smile spread across his face. ‘He heard me. I know he did. And now he is avoiding it.’
“Right, yeah. That’s nice he was calling to check in on you before he leaves.” Sam said.
“Actually. June and Dad called him and asked if he could take care of me over break since they are gone. So he is coming to grab me in about twenty. I am going to meet him outside of my place. So I have to go.” Evan got off the bed, grabbed his suitcase and turned to look at Sam.
Sam watched him. It felt like shit he couldn’t help it. He looked back down knowing just how much like an idiot he must look right now. He had dated enough girls, he had enough people in his past to know just what the other person would be feeling right now in this situation. Hadn’t he been on the other side of these blurted proclamations too many times?
He suddenly felt bad for all the girls who had thrown their heart out at him on a whim, and he had just played with it so crazily, accepting them like toys, then throwing them away without a second thought.
Because now his heart beat heavily in his chest, out of control, sending his stomach into a flurry of waves that felt like they were growing. Growing larger until they were going to claw their way up his chest and out of his throat.
But Evan didn’t say anything else about what Sam had said at all, and the growing seconds felt like someone had decided to poke him repeatedly with a fork. Disturbingly unharmful, but painful and annoying in the worst way possible. He hated the feeling and found himself warming to it at the same time, because once it stopped Evan would have addressed his feelings. Will have answered them with whatever choice he made. And that seemed almost ten times more harmful somehow.
‘Can I take it back?, would it be weird if I laughed and said I was just kidding? Yeah, that would for sure be weird. I wish I could take it back.’
Two strong arms slid around his stomach, large fingers pulled at his shirt, until it was pulled tight against his abs and bunched tightly into the hands that now rested on his back right above his bum. A head pressed against his chest right below where his chin was hanging down.
Sam could feel his warm breath on his skin and his heart raced a mile a minute.
His stomach stopped doing waves of nervous retaliation at him. And his stomach let a whole new sensation crawl across his body and warm him as Evan buried his face into his chest smelling him.
“I heard you, I heard what you said. But can’t we just remain a little longer like this?” Evan said gently, then looked up, those large deep red lips coming inches away from where Sam’s chin rested.
‘Like this… There were those hushed and unspoken words he had felt were coming. That had just been a hair away from showing up. It had hung between them for months now. I like you, like this… Only this much.’ Sam knew those words well, because that is what hung over every girl he had played with on and off for the past three years in college. I like you only as much as the next person. I like you but I don’t want to get close to you. ‘And that shit hurts.’
Sam’s ears throbbed, and his whole body ached. If Evan were to press against him harder he would be able to feel the growing need that pressed against Sam’s pants.
‘What am I doing? Why am I like this? We both have a plane to catch and he just rejected you. Control yourself...’ Sam felt absolutely betrayed, betrayed by his body while his heart was aching. Sam shoved Evan away quickly.
“If you are going to meet him in time you have to leave now.” He said instead.
Evan nodded.
“See you later.” He said, then simply turned and walked out of the room. The door clicked in behind him as Sam slumped to his bed, feeling one hundred percent worn out.
‘I told you Max. What is the point when you already know how things are going to end.’
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