Time seemed to fly by. And before long, it was getting late, or rather, it was becoming very early. It was nearing the rising of the sun.
She was still holding my hand, and I didn’t want to let it go either. It was comfortable. It was warm, like I was soaking in her shared kindness and warmth through touch alone.
“Noah, are you coming back tomorrow?”
Tomorrow.
It was hard to say…
For far too many reasons.
I shrugged, trying to avoid the answers. If I was here tomorrow, you might not be safe, Kat. If I’m not here tomorrow, it might be for your own good…
Or mine…
“Do you have a phone?”
I shook my head, only to feel regret pile up into the pit of my stomach. I didn’t own a phone and I never thought it’d be that important. Now, I knew I couldn’t be more wrong. I could see the disappointment in her eyes, the sadness. But it wasn’t like I could just buy a phone. I didn’t have money. I didn’t have anything…
We’d just met. She heard me. She listened. And… she didn’t want us to part either?
We – did we really feel the same way?
There was a growing ache in my chest just at the thought of leaving and never crossing paths again.
I liked Kat.
I liked spending time with her.
She… was warm and friendly. And… comfortable.
I didn’t have to worry when I was with her. I didn’t have to worry about messing up. I could stay silent, I could speak in gestures and nods.
She said thank you, and called me by my real name.
I had a feeling she was like this with everyone she came across. I wasn’t anyone special to her, but to me… to me she…
She was a bright beacon of hope in my dark sadness and helplessness.
And this was the end of our journey together… wasn’t it? Just a nice little intermission on the horror of my reality.
She climbed the steps of the house, but I stayed where I was, at the bottom, having not touched the first step. When she got far enough that our hands were outstretched to each other, she stopped and looked back at me, her eyes flicking down to where I hadn’t begun to ascend.
She squeezed my hand gently before hesitating and letting go. My hand swung back down to my side without much effort.
“Well, until I see you again, then.”
We stared silently at each other. I was trying to memorize her face, the soft glow of the moonlight against her head, committing the feel of her hand to my memory. It was a moment of all things Kat. I didn’t want to forget a single piece of it.
I wasn’t sure if she was doing the same.
“I have to go in.”
She said those words, and it was hard to hear them, knowing that there wasn’t an easy way to communicate once we parted now. In fact, we wouldn’t be able to talk purposefully at all, it would rely on intervention and whether our paths would cross from here on out.
I hoped they did. In a good way, not in like a dying, bloody kind of way. That wasn’t appealing to me at all. I didn’t want her to get hurt.
I didn’t…
I suppose in some part of my mind, alarm bells were ringing dangerously at that. A warning. But I didn’t hear them. I just watched her as the sight of her took over my senses.
She was supposed to be walking inside now, but she hadn’t moved, not even the slightest bit. All she’d done was shift her weight back and forth.
Was she really that reluctant to leave my side? There was a bittersweet feeling in my chest. I hated the thought of even saying goodbye to her, but I knew we had to part ways.
And whether she was waiting for me to give her a push or not, I nodded.
With it, I tried to tell her that it was alright. She could go. I’d be fine. That it was a pleasure even talking to her. Wishing for more now, well, it was useless.
It might… and though I hated to admit it, it was likely that our parting for the best. Truly.
When she still didn’t go, I tried to smile.
It was then that she moved, but it was the wrong way. She wasn’t going away, she was coming closer. To me. Why?
She – her hands were clutching onto my face, holding my cheeks, lifting my face. As she stood on the second step up, I had to gaze up at her. Her eyes gazed into mine, with a sort of need that I hadn’t expected to see. I stared back at her.
Was I not like everyone else to her?
Why?
“Noah…”
Ah. My name.
I liked hearing her say my name. I liked that she said it when addressing me.
I liked being… just Noah.
“Is it… okay if…”
If?
If… ah. I understood then, when she glanced down at the lower half of my face. I knew I could say no. I knew I could and she would understand. She wouldn’t hit me for it and she wouldn’t force me to give in. But this time, given that choice, I didn’t want to deny it or her. I nodded, placing a hand on hers as a sort of reassurance that it was alright, that she wasn’t stealing, we were sharing. That I wanted this too.
Like a sweet final parting gift for each other.
One final moment to memorize.
Having given my consent, her gaze took in all of my expression before refocusing on her target. I closed my eyes slowly as she grew closer yet, hers having narrowed as the distance became slim… and then it became none.
And we collided.
It was brief, but it wasn’t without parted lips.
Some writings, in random books I’d read along my journey likened a kiss to a cosmic realignment, or even fireworks. I wasn’t sure I could say the same. It wasn’t fireworks in my brain. It wasn’t something crazy or drastic.
And yet…
It was exactly everything I’d hoped it would be.
My hands, with their own mind, started to reach for her as well.
As she pulled back and ran into the house, the door shutting definitively behind her, all I knew was that I felt warm. And maybe a little bit like a puddle. A standing puddle of warmth. And it was nice.
It was the best thing I’d said yes to. That much, I was certain of.
It had been so long… too long since I’d felt any kind of warmth.
Sure, on a beach, out in the sun, in high temperatures, it was warm. However, the physical warmth was not a kind that reached the depths of your soul. You could only kid yourself for so long into thinking they were the same. Somedays, the sun wouldn’t feel warm, it would just feel like an afterthought. Sometimes, it felt better to sit in the shade, as if in harmony with what was truly on the inside.
But this? It was cool outside. I could feel the difference in the heat of my cheeks compared to the cool night breeze.
As it slowly drifted past me, it took some of that warmth away, but not all of it. My heart still felt warm as it continued to beat strongly in my chest. I reached my hand up to my lips absentmindedly, only to feel a smile there.
I was…
Hopeful.
Kat…
I was moving before I could think it over. Going up the steps, I moved close to the door, I laid the carefully crafted bundle down and walked off, just far enough to be unnoticeable. Those were a perfect representation of that warmth she’d shared with me this whole night.
I hadn’t realized I had frozen myself over the years until just now. And now it felt as if I was thawing.
But as I stepped back down and away from their temporary home, the thawing brought renewed fear. That thawing came with its own problems and dilemmas…
I’d just gotten to know a target.
A target…
One they would likely kill this time, I thought, remembering the horrible gleam to her eyes as she talked about using her ‘toys’. That smile of a serial killer with no remorse.
But Kat…
How could I let her get hurt, if there was something I could do? To stop it? To prevent it?
I stumbled back away along the beach, back to the direction of the cliffs. Back to my plants and my little sanctuary next to the den of lions.
What did I just do?
I couldn’t afford to make these kinds of choices, yet my feet stalled and I looked back, to that door that opened slowly, to the beautiful Kat who reached down and picked up what I’d left behind for her. She brought them to her face, to sniff them, I presumed.
I took an unsteady step back, my heart thudding in my chest. Tears were running down my face again, blurring my vision.
These were things I couldn’t do.
There were lines that would hurt me if I crossed them.
But as I grit my teeth and forced myself to go back to where I came from, somehow, not seeing her again felt like the wrong choice.
Why was it, I wondered faintly as I swiped the back of my hand across my face, that I could ignore what survival meant to me… just for her. Only for her.
I looked back again, longing for time to stop, to go back to when I didn’t know anything, back to when I was truly clueless. I fell to my knees in the sand by the cliff, silent sobs jolting through my body.
Protecting Kat.
Betraying them.
How on earth was I supposed to do anything against two people who could kill me with a flick of their wrist?
Who could kill us both…
Everything good I ever had left me. Mother died. My brother was taken from me. My wolf… was gone too. My voice? My real voice, the one that not a sound came out of? That had always been gone.
Was Kat… was she simply destined to die and leave me too?
Just like everyone else?
Was I meant to live in this suffering forever?
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