I'm afraid of exactly it. That I only just fell in love. That this is just a fleeting passion I've had so many times. I'm not that windy or superficial, I'm just not ready for a serious relationship, and I like being in love sometimes.

Although I may be wrong... maybe if I was 16, it would be okay, but I'm 23... My brother got married at 23! And now he has a child!

Yeah, great Christmas with self-digging, and as a gift - the realization that I am fickle. And this is only a part of the problem. If this is only an emotional outburst, our friendship will be ruined. This is what scares me the most. I can't let it happen. I can't lose this dork. I'm ready to tie my penis in a knot and put a bucket on my head, so I would never think of kissing Ray again. Even as a joke!

And the problem is, I don't know how Ray feels about it. And I'm afraid he doesn't know too. Doesn't he understand that this fling can break everything? I don't think he does... Ray, he's like, "I see the goal, don't see any obstacles"... Maybe I need to give him a hint that it could end badly?

And then we'll just get over it. We will remain best friends for the rest of our days. And I'll even sing at his wedding (no one can stop me, hahaha!).

I start drifting away when I feel Ray's hand on the top of my head. The warmth of his hand startles my just-calmed thoughts. Then he lies down on the pillow close to my face. I try to steady my breath. Maybe he just wanted to check if I had a fever...

I completely lose the sense of time. Ray is still lying close to me, but he seems to breathe evenly and deeply. Maybe he fell asleep?

I open my eyes. My heart falls when I meet Ray's gaze. Was he staring at me all this time? I look at him, and he looks at me.

"Why don't you sleep? You feel bad?" He whispers.

"...I'm thirsty," I lie.

"I'll bring you water."

Ray leaves the room.

When he returns with a glass, I drink the water in one gulp and lie down again. This time I turn away from the half of the bed where Ray lies.

I feel like I need to walk on thin ice. I need to live through my crush on Ray without him noticing, while he gets over whatever he feels towards me, and at the same time, preserve our friendship. Mission impossible?

But what if Santa exists?

The next morning I wake up early. Ray is still asleep, his nose buried in my pillow. Today I feel better...

Probably, yesterday I was just flooded with memories mixed with alcohol.

I don't wake Ray and go to the bathroom adjacent to my room. I wash my face and try to smooth my unruly hair to no avail. Then I take off my clothes and climb into the shower.

Warm water washes away the remnants of my sleepiness and, in general, refreshes me greatly. Feeling renewed, I step out of the shower when Ray suddenly enters the bathroom.

Surprised, I try to grab a towel to cover my nakedness but slip. Ray raises his eyebrows - this is the last thing I see before collapsing to the floor... More precisely, I never made it to the floor. I have deja vu. My fingers grip Ray's elbows, and my face is at the level of his neck... Well, back then, I wasn't naked.

I don't believe in fate, but damn it! Why does this happen over and over again? Every time I think that everything will settle down, I will come to my senses, and everything will be the same - something happens that destroys all my plans, and everything gets confused again.

Do I blush? If I do, that's bad news. I must be crimson. I don't like the new me. How easily I lose control of the situation. It pisses me off.

"You couldn't knock?!" I say sharply, looking boldly at Ray, straight into his eyes. "Fuck," I plant my feet firmly on the floor, let go of Ray's elbows and pull away. Enough! I'm not a schoolboy!

Ray is taken aback by my reaction, and I am satisfied I seized the initiative.

Without a hurry, I take a towel from the hanger and wrap it around my waist. Ray still doesn't answer me. I come back to the bedroom, where I finally let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

I get dressed hastily. When Ray returns to the room, I'm ready to go. Where to? Anywhere!

This situation got me pumped up, so I am full of energy! I don't feel like sitting at home. Ray, on the contrary, seems dejected. Is he sulking?

Well, I was a little rude, but...

"How do you feel?" He asks finally. I forgot that I was 'sick' yesterday. A chink immediately appears in my armor of feigned impudence. A feeling of embarrassment and tenderness is capturing me again...

"I'm good!" I exclaim emotionally. "Get dressed, and let's go!"

Ray does not share my enthusiasm at all. He flops down on the bed and looks at me expectantly.

"Where?" He asks indifferently.

"Did you get out of the wrong side of the bed or something?"

Ray doesn't reply, looking sideways. I sit on the bed next to him.

"Why are you so gloomy?" I ask softly. Maybe I did hurt him?

"Well... you yelled at me... Although I actually caught you. And also..." Ray blushes. "I've seen your cock."

I feel a strange mixture of embarrassment and closeness to hysterical laughter, but I hold back and say, "Did it upset you so much?"

"No, that is..." Ray shifts in place as if feeling uncomfortable. "Well, I've seen yours, but you haven't seen mine..."

"What?" I ask, bewildered. "Do you want me to look at your cock?!"

"What? No!" Ray exclaims and immediately adds. "I mean, if you want to..."

"Why the fuck would I want to look at your dick?!" I blurt out indignantly.

"So you don't want to look at my cock?!" Ray answers with the same amount of indignation.

And this was the last drop; I roll with laughter, almost falling out of bed, tears flowing from my eyes. My stomach is cramping, and I punch the blanket frantically.

"Stop laughing! I have a normal penis!" Ray continues, driving me into a frenzy. I suffocate from laughter, trying to enunciate, "Enough", but failing.

At this moment, mom comes into the room with a knock, "Boys, are you coming down for breakfast?" Then she notices my condition and smiles incomprehensibly. Ray sits with a stone face. I try to catch my breath and wipe my tears.

"Yes, mom, hic... thanks... Fffuh... we're going down now."

"Are you teasing Ray again?" Mom reproaches.

"No! Why did you think so?" I ask defensively.

"Well, for some reason, Ray is not laughing. I suppose you are picking at him again."

"No, I'm not!" I argue fervently, but Ray is not helping me. "I just have a stupid sense of humor," I exhale, finally calming down.

"Oh, I remember you did not let me sleep with your laughter. Ah, you were such boys," my mother looks affectionately at both of us. "I'm glad you're still friends!"

She leaves the room. I turn to Ray.

"Look, if I was an ass, just tell me. I didn't mean to hurt you. Let's eat and go to the rink. What do you say?" I offer with a genuine smile. He finally faces me.

Strange... I've known Ray for so long, and only now I notice that he has a few freckles on the bridge of his nose, and his eyes are actually not brown but greenish-brown. Somehow I didn't notice it before... or is it strange that I noticed now?

But not letting me sink into my thoughts too deep, Ray finally nods and gets out of bed.