January 24, 1991.
8:14 am.
Entering the campus after the shitshow that was winter break felt like a relief, ironically.
As I headed to ballet class, the girls in my class were all staring at me with disgust. I was so confused, I rarely speak to anyone else other than Lucinda.
Speaking of which, I didn't see her in class that day.
January 24, 1991.
10:02 am.
Fresh onto campus, we had to prepare for our winter show in February.
Hopefully my parents would show up.
No one in the class wanted to hold a conversation with me at all. Walking to my next class was even more anxiety-inducing as I got a mixture of stares from guys and girls.
The girls eyed me with disgust, whispering hurtful names.
The guys however, were catcalling me and making sexual comments about my body.
“I'm so glad she isn't a pig anymore!” One guy said.
“Damn shorty, looking good!” Another said.
“Hey, lemme hit it sometime!” Someone else said.
I quickly rushed to my next class, not once making eye contact with anyone.
January 24, 1991.
3:12 pm.
Lucinda was in my dorm, painting her nails and talking to me about her winter break.
“Yeah me and my family were okay! You might not be able to relate, but I actually managed to talk to my mother for once.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.
“Nothing, heh. Oh! And you’ll be pleased to hear… Tim actually started talking to me!” She said.
I was immediately on alert.
“Tim is a user. Trust me, he probably only wants you for sex. He did the same with me.” I said.
Lucinda stared at me in confusion.
“Oh come on Mary, I think he might ACTUALLY be attracted to me. I don't think he would do that. Plus, we already hung out twice.”
“Did you have sex?” I asked.
Lucinda turned to me with a sly look on her face. “Of course you did.” I say. “Are you sure you're the only girl he’s been with besides me?” I asked.
“I mean…sure. Plus after you, I’m kind of an upgrade.” Lucinda said.
She looked at the face I made, and giggled. “Just kidding.” She said.
February 12, 1991.
6:21 pm.
The stage was open as I did my solo. The audience watched as I dipped and twirled with grace.
The piano music in the background softly accompanied my motions.
I glanced out into the crowd, seeing my parents watching me intently.
I also looked out to see a girl in the crowd. She was whispering something to the girl next to her, seemingly giggling and pointing at me. The girl next to her whispered to the girl next to her. Then that girl whispered to the guy next to her. Then that guy whispered to the guy next to him.
All the while, Lucinda was watching me with a smirk on her face.
I noticed the piano slowing down in the back.
Then I realized I wasn't moving.
I had completely stopped dancing, standing in the middle of the stage watching almost everyone in the auditorium giggle and slightly point at me.
My parents looked absolutely furious.
Looking to my left I saw my ballet teacher behind a curtain, confused.
“What the hell are you doing?!?!??” She mouthed.
I turned to the audience after what felt like an eternity, did the rest of my dance, and quietly walked off.
I wiped some tears off my face as I walked backstage.
February 12, 1991.
7:13 pm.
My ballet teacher was NOT happy with the stunt I pulled. I was lucky someone important wasn't in the audience, so this wouldn't hurt our reputation too badly.
I walked outside of the auditorium to see rain and fog.
My parents were waiting for me outside, angry.
“Estaban aquí. Pongámonos presentables.” Mama said. “I’m sorry mama. I don’t know what came over me.” I said, unable to move.
Mother continued to verbally degrade me, saying the most hurtful things I could think of. I began to think of that night back in 1980 when I won that competition…
All those mothers yelling at their kids.
Now I was in that same boat.
“¿POR QUÉ NO PUEDES SER MÁS COMO VALENTINA?” She yelled.
Father stepped in front of her, calming her down.
“Tenemos que irnos. no nos llames.” He said, pushing her to their car.
They drove off, leaving me by myself in the rain. At that point I couldn't tell if the wetness on my face was from rain or tears.
February 14, 1991.
9:12 am.
Returning to campus after my terrible performance was truly humiliating.
Everyone was either talking about my performance or my body.
It was disgusting. I was close to the breaking point.
But it only went downhill from there.
Somehow, it got out I was doing porn to pay off my student loan, and all hell broke loose.
EVERYONE eyed me differently.
The male students would catcall me constantly, never taking no for an answer.
They wouldn’t stop….
grabbing…me….
The female students treated me like the worst person on earth, calling me all kinds of hurtful, disgusting names.
Some wrote on my door, others left me messages over the phone.
However….
Nothing could ever have been as bad as that night at the bar…
February 19, 1991.
9:32 pm.
Me and Lucinda were at some dingy bar on the west side of Meadowville.
I had downed at least three martinis, drinking away my pain.
“I….w-wanted to be famous. I wanted to b-be a sssstar, Lu….” I slurred out.
Lucinda stared and nodded.
“I…I n-never wanted it t-to be like this… I’m so tired….”
“This is honestly kinda your fault when you think about it.” Lucinda said.
“Really? But I….” I tried to say.
“Nah, this is your fault.” Lucinda said. She sat back at her bar seat, unsympathetic. I sat there and thought, and like an idiot I believed her.
“You're right…. I’m the one who m-made all these decisions… I wasn’t thinking….” I slurred out, putting the blame on myself.
Lucinda smiled to herself evilly.
Then, she left her chair.
“Going to the bathroom. Be right back.” She said, leaving me by myself.
I shifted away from my drink, watching her enter the bathroom.
I felt someone behind me for a few seconds, but I Ignored it and watched the bartender clean a few glasses.
And then… turning back to my drink…
I took a sip.
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