Chapter 19
“See? I told you art is fun,” Chester says brightly, flicking his paintbrush and causing a multitude of white dots to go flying across his artwork. He invited me over for what I thought was another study session, because we have a biology test next week which will determine which classes we’re in - ie if Chester aces the test then he’ll move up a class onto the harder stuff.
Which will be fucking incredible.
And he really wants to move up, he’s good at biology and he’s been really interested in it recently, so a harder class will be perfect for him. But if he changes class, then I’ll be left on my own. Without Chester.
Maybe I should write something on the test? We could move up a class together…but what if that pisses him off? I mean Chester has been working really hard on this and his motivation and effort is actually kind of inspiring, meanwhile I’m here deciding whether or not I should put effort into the test.
Should I try my best, just because I can? Is it unfair to other people if I don’t? But what if- what if I don’t always want to try my best? What if I manage to try my best one time, and people come to expect that from me? Isn’t that unfair? I mean if I randomly have a really good day and really pull my finger out, work hard and move up a class…what about the next day? What if I can’t work that hard anymore? Will I just get kicked out of the class? And then I wouldn’t have biology with Chester anymore anyway…
“-vi. Avi. You okay?” Chester asks quietly, pressing his hand against my thigh gently.
Holy shit.
He’s touching my thigh.
Aaaand not anymore. Chester moves his hand, sitting back and smiling softly at me. Slightly…fondly, actually. Nah probably just wishful thinking on my part.
“I’m fine. Sorry for zoning out,” I say absentmindedly, clearing my throat and attempting to turn my attention back to whatever it is I was trying to paint. Chester said ‘fuck studying’ and that we should do something fun instead, so apparently this is the perfect time to reveal that I truly have zero artistic bones in my body.
“This looks shit,” I sigh, staring at the white page with some random pink stripes on. Chester likes to paint abstract white shapes on top of black, and the thought of abstract shapes and colours sounded more fun that painting still life or something, but now I’m regretting that decision. I just can’t think of anything to paint.
“You’ve barely done anything yet, it literally can’t look shit at this stage,” Chester pokes my cheek, his own cheeks dimpling with his smile, once again revealing the horseshoe piercing in his lip frenulum. I thought it was just called a smiley piercing, but the first time I noticed it I went home and googled lip piercings to figure out what it’s really called. I keep meaning to ask Chester how many piercings he actually has - a lot that I can see, but maybe he has more hidden mouth piercings or something.
“Yeah well all you’ve done is some white splatters and it already looks good, so explain that,” I reply saltily, but I’m not actually upset and luckily Chester knows my moods well enough at this point to recognise this. He just laughs again, splattering some more white over the dried black paint covering the sheet. It isn’t completely matte black, instead at points there’s some of the white card peeking through, and even that looks good and seems deliberate.
“Maybe if you do some more then you’ll like it more. You’ve done like one pink circle and some stripes, that’s it. Maybe add some other shapes too?” He suggests and I shrug, dipping my paintbrush back into the soft rosey pink paint. But right as I go to drag my brush across the ‘artwork’ in front of me, I come up with a better idea. But maybe Chester wouldn’t like it…?
“What’s wrong?” Chester asks, rubbing my shoulder with his thumb. He kind of touches me a lot, almost like he’s finding any excuse to touch me…no that’s stupid. He’s clearly just a touchy feely kind of guy. Obviously.
“Oh I um. I had an idea. But we don’t have to do it if you don’t want to…” I drift off, suddenly feeling kind of embarrassed. It’s a stupid idea and there’s no way Chester would want to ruin his art like this.
“Let’s do it!”
“You don’t even know what my idea is,” I point out, raising an eyebrow. But Chester just shrugs, that bright smile back on his lips. “Yeah but I’ll like it anyway. So whatever that idea is - just go for it.”
“It might ruin your art though,” I say slowly, looking down at the smattering of white dots strewn across the centre of his page. Chester shakes his head, an encouraging smile gracing his lips. “Nah,” he says simply, that big grin never leaving his face for even a moment.
“Um. Ok then…” I murmur, slowly pulling Chester’s art towards me before glancing over at him again just to check that he doesn’t want to back out of my surprise idea.
He doesn’t. It’s like he just, for some reason, trusts me instead.
I don’t get it, but I like the feeling nevertheless.
And then I splash my brush across the centre of Chester’s black and white painting, sending a thick line of bright pink straight through the middle of his art in a diagonal line. And then I do it again, at the opposite angle, creating a loud pink X that somehow fits perfectly over the white dots and black background.
“Fuck, Avi. That looks fucking good,” Chester whispers, turning towards me suddenly. Folding in on myself a little, I sputter something out about how I’m sorry for messing up his art, and how I didn’t even know what I was really going to do until I’d done it, and how I’m so-
Chester kisses my cheek.
My mind goes blank.
The urge to kiss him properly on the lips slams into me, but then ice darts through my veins, thick with fear before being replaced with happy fire and all I can do is sit there, completely stunned.
Chester kissed my cheek.
“Um. Sorry. Kind of impulsive of me but I um. You just wouldn’t stop apologising and I thought ‘oh I bet if I kissed Avi then he’d stop saying sorry for no reason’ and then I was like ‘no that’s sexual assault I can’t just do that’ but by then I was already leaning forwards so I just kind of. Did that instead.”
He wanted to actually kiss me.
Chester’s entire face is pink, and I can’t tell whether I’m in the same position or if all the colour has drained from my entire body.
“I’m- what? Is that- huh? Do you normally just- just kiss people to stop them from apologising?” Please say no. Please say that I’m special.
Chester suddenly laughs, but turns his body away from me, looking out of the window so that I can’t see his face. “Yeah, all the time.”
My heart cracks just a little.
And then he turns back, his face still aflame, and slowly meets my eyes. “If they're cute boys named Avi, anyway.”
There’s no way this is real.
I’m probably about to make a huge, massive mistake. Because I like Chester a lot, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready for a relationship, and I’m definitely not ready to make him deal with all of my shit 24/7, although he kind of does already…
I told myself that I definitely wouldn’t make a move. No way in a million years. But if I really wanted to, that at the very least I had to wait until some of my shit was sorted out. I mean I’m having therapy and it’s helping, so check on that. Check on sorting out my nausea so that I can eat the majority of meals. Check on living with a stable family that actually wants me. Check on putting effort into my lessons and trying to find something I like doing. Check on making friends…
Maybe this isn’t the huge, massive mistake I think it will be.
“Well I um. I wouldn’t have minded. If you had…y’know. K-kissed me.”
And of-fucking-course I stammered.
Chester’s eyes widen and he scoots just a little closer to me, letting out a small breath. “Really?” He asks quietly, his gaze roaming across my entire face until meeting my eyes.
“Really,” I say in a very small voice.
Surely, a little kiss wouldn’t be so bad? It’s not like we have to take things quickly, we could easily talk about this and make sure to go at whatever pace we wanted, so…
Chester chews on his lips, his eyes not leaving mine. “Well um. In that case…can I-“
Chester’s bedroom door smashes open. “Yo Hendy my man!” Jeremiah yells as Chester and I dart away from each other so fast you’d think we were burned. Jeremiah stops grinning, suddenly looking awkward.
“Shit, did something happen? Did I, like-? Oh my god. You were totally snogging.”
Chester’s face turns an even deeper red and he jumps up from where he was sitting, shaking his head profusely. “No! We absolutely weren’t! We were just! Doing art!”
Jeremiah smirks, making an ‘uh huh I totally believe you’ kind of face.
“No seriously. Nothing happened,” Chester says a little more forlornly, and sadness tugs at my stomach, as well as anxiety. I need to tell him it’s ok, that we’re on the same page, that we can take things as slowly as we’d like…but instead I say nothing and just stare at the floor.
How do I tell Chester that I really do like him? That I really want things to work out between us?
How do I do any of this?
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