It was supposed to be the best night of my life, but the more time passed, the worse the night got. We had all gone in on a party bus, complete with a pole–which Connie and Violet had made quick work of ruining for everyone by dancing in an overly obscene and trying to force me and Oscar’s girlfriend to join to get “all the girls” in on it.
'Girl' used very loosely in my case.
Not that they had any idea.
We were fashionably late to Prom–because that was the only way to enter Prom–but by the time we got there, the line to check-in was out the door. And then we had to wait in the coak check line too, because we were required to take off our heels to enter. So it was just… a lot of waiting in line.
Everyone else was having fun, and that was great. I was happy for them, really, I was. Duncan and Ian were in the corner, talking about whether or not they were going to play in college. Oscar was in line with his girlfriend, basically sucking her face off. Connie and Violet were making faces the whole time, but neither of them noticed.
It was a good night. A great night.
For them.
I just couldn’t stop thinking about what could have been.
Sure, Chestnut wasn’t the most accepting place, but it wasn’t like I was the only trans person who existed in the town. I wasn’t the first, and I wouldn’t be the last either. There was a trans girl like three years above me. She left basically the minute she graduated, though–not that I could blame her. And we had one of those Gay-Straight Alliance clubs, there were probably trans people in there. If I were allowed to attend, I would know.
I rubbed the goosebumps off my arm, wishing I had that suit jacket to keep warm. Since it was May, the school had the bright idea of holding the event outside–but the sun had gone down, and my sleeves were literally mesh.
“Cold?”
I jumped when Duncan came up behind me, his low baritone vibrating against my ears. I let out a very unmanly little yelp, and my cheeks instantly warmed. “Duncan! Don’t sneak up on me like that!”
Duncan laughed and raised his hand to mess up my hair, but thought better of it. I almost wished he had messed it up, so I would have an excuse to take it down. He smiled and ran his fingers through his own hair instead. “Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. You just looked cold. Do you want my jacket?”
I scrunched up my nose. Yeah, no. I wanted a suit, but not like that. The whole boyfriend suit jacket over gown look was not the look I was going for. Besides, Duncan and I weren’t like that. We were friends–on purpose, because I didn’t want to set myself up to get my heart broken when I inevitably told him the truth, and he rejected me on account of not being into men.
I shook my head. “Thanks, but I’ll warm up when we start dancing.” I reached down to start unbuckling my heels, since it was almost my turn at the coat check.
Duncan whistled. “Man, Dawny, I have no idea how you walk in those.”
I shrugged. “It’s not that hard. So long as you have practice.”
“I think anything that requires practice qualifies as hard.”
“Well, it’s not. You want to put them on?” I thrust the shoes in his direction.
Duncan held up his hands. “Um, no thank you. I think your feet are a little smaller than mine.” He shook his massive man foot to prove his point, which was angeringly bigger than mine.
But of course, it was bigger. He was cis, and I wasn’t allowed to do anything to affirm my gender. I kept telling myself that–that the way I experience manhood was going to be different than him–but it still hurt.
Duncan’s face fell. “Hey, are you ok?” He paused, considering his next words carefully. “You’ve seemed down all night.”
I huffed, giving a shrug as complicated emotions swirled in my stomach. On the one hand, it was nice that he at least asked. No one else seemed to even notice I was upset–and it wasn’t like I was trying to hide it. On the other, I couldn’t tell him. My parents made me swear not to tell a single person until we “figured this out,” and I didn’t want to spend the last three weeks of school grounded for a dumb reason. “Not really. Just… headache.”
“Do you need some pain medicine? I think Connie has some on her, like, constantly. Oh, but she’s already checked her purse…”
I put my shoes on the counter as soon as it was my turn, and shook my head. “No, it’s fine. I can deal. Let’s just have fun, ok? It’s senior prom!”
Duncan wrinkled his nose, glanced back to the group, and shrugged. “Okay. If you’re sure.”
“I’m positive.”
“Okay.”
I tried to put everything out of my mind and just have fun, but it was hard. We decided to take pictures in the photo booth, but I got posed with the girls. The teacher chastised me for my low neckline–a neckline I didn’t even want–and Duncan had to chat her up so I could slip away before getting dress coded. At least three different guys hit on me–which was fine, I was into boys, but I knew for a fact they weren’t, which only served to make me feel even more dysphoric than I already did.
We danced, we laughed, we screamed at the top of our lungs–but it was all shallow for me. It was like I was a ghost of myself, a figment of my parent’s imagination. How could I truly be in the moment when I wasn’t really me? How could I really have fun with my friends when they didn’t really know me?
It was the ride home. Oscar’s girlfriend was passed out on his chest–they were basically taking up the whole seat on the other side of the bus. Connie and Violet had convinced Ian to try out the pole, and they were clapping and egging him on as he lazily swung around, their eyelids all heavy with sleep.
I was sitting in the counter, with Duncan next to me showing me all the pictures he had taken on his cellphone. Most of them were blurry, or were of the ceiling, or the floor, but he was having such a good time.
I didn’t want to bring him down, so I smiled and nodded along.
I looked around the bus again, taking in the scene as an outsider looking in.
Maybe that girl who left Chestnut had the right idea. Where did she end up? Was she able to find herself? Did she find her community? Was she living her life as all of herself, instead of the pieces everyone else wanted from her?
And in that moment, it struck me.
Maybe that was what I needed, too. A fresh start, somewhere away from Chestnut. Somewhere no one knew me, where I could reinvent myself the way I wanted to be seen.
Somewhere I could call home.
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