I lowered my head into my hands and let out a pained, embarrassed half-laugh-half-groan. If I could go back in time and slap teenage me for being so insufferable, I absolutely would. While logically I knew that Duncan was fully aware of my horrendous username preferences, that didn’t stop me from racing to find my settings so I could erase that cursed name from existence. Worse, the shakily drawn cat girl OC that was my profile pic. I had to erase the evidence before he logged on and saw my mess of a message.
But it had been years since I had used Skype, and I didn’t remember how any of it worked.
Minutes later, my computer dinged again, and it was too late.
My fate was sealed.
Duncan saw the message.
The Dunkman, 7:55 PM
Holy shit, Dawny???
The Dunkman, 7:55 PM
Sorry, sorry, I’m just surprised.
The Dunkman, 7:55 PM
Is it really you? I mean, it’s your account, oh great Nyaruto, but…
The Dunkman, 7:55 PM
I didn’t think you still used skype.
Well, rest in pieces me. If only there was a way to delete my message. Or myself. Whichever worked, really. But it wouldn’t change anything. Duncan had clearly seen and read the message, so there was no going back. I could log out, forget anything ever happened, and disappear into the wind again, but… That guilt was still there. The nagging feeling slowly ate away at my insides, reminding me of how much damage I did when I left.
Instead, I sighed, and I typed another message.
Nyaruto, 7:56 PM
Fuck. One day I’ll remember how to change this cursed user name. And that even more hellish profile picture. Can we pretend you never saw that?
The Dunkman, 7:56 PM
No can do Dawneroo. It’s locked into my memory forever.
Nyaruto, 7:57 PM
Oh, good. Just my luck. Thank you, teenage me, for being unnecessarily embarrassing.
The Dunkman, 7:57 PM
It’s not as embarrassing as you seem to think.
The Dunkman, 7:57 PM
I haven’t changed mine either, as you can see. On the off chance you came back online, I wanted to be easy to find, I guess.
The Dunkman, 7:58 PM
But I have to ask… what made you log on? I honestly never expected to hear from you again. When that contractor guy wouldn’t give me your new number I kind of… gave up hope.
Nyaruto, 7:59 PM
And yet you messaged me anyway? Why bother if you didn’t expect a response?
The Dunkman, 8:05 PM
I guess… after you left, this chat became a sort of soundboard for me. After a while, I knew you weren’t going to respond, but sending you messages was a way for me to keep you with me, even though you were gone. Even if you never responded, it felt like you were still here.
The Dunkman, 8:06 PM
God, that sounds so stupid, I’m so sorry.
The Dunkman, 8:06 PM
Let’s forget I sent that.
Nyaruto, 8:07 PM
Ha! I’m not the only embarrassment! It’s too late, I’ve captured the memory. It’s mine forever!
Nyaruto, 8:07 PM
I can’t believe you said that.
Nyaruto, 8:07 PM
And yet, somehow, it’s comforting to know after all this time, you’re still so… you.
The Dunkman, 8:09 PM
I don’t know how I should take that.
Nyaruto, 8:09 PM
It’s a compliment. Don’t overthink it.
The Dunkman, 8:10 PM
I’m so glad you can’t see my face right now. You’d never let me live it down.
Nyaruto, 8:10 PM
Oh, don’t worry, I’ve got a vivid imagination.
Nyaruto, 8:11 PM
I bet you’re redder than that time you didn’t put sunscreen on before skiing because you didn’t realize you could get sunburned in the winter.
The Dunkman, 8:12 PM
No fair, I was 12 and stupid. How was I supposed to know snow reflects sunlight? I failed seventh-grade science!
Nyaruto, 8:12 PM
Despite my best efforts.
The Dunkman, 8:13 PM
Yes, yes, the year you spent all your precious free time trying to get me an A on at least one exam. Which I failed to do. As you never let me forget.
Nyaruto, 8:13 PM
I still maintain that I could have gotten you that A if Ms. Cuttleworth didn’t despise you so much.
The Dunkman, 8:14 PM
Not my fault. Every teacher who had my brother before me hated me by default. Quite the legacy he left behind. I can’t believe that man has a family now.
The Dunkman, 8:14 PM
Oh yeah, he got married two years back BTW. They have a kid, his name is Presley! He’s adorable. Dunno if you got the chance to read my other messages.
Nyaruto, 8:15 PM
I read them.
The Dunkman, 8:15 PM
Oh.
The Dunkman, 8:15 PM
Well, good! I hope I was a satisfactory news reporter on what you missed during your time away! A lot has changed since you’ve been gone, you know. You should see Chestnut now! We’ve added a lot. Finally got that shopping center we always wanted as kids.
The Dunkman, 8:16 PM
When are you coming back? I’d love to show you around, take you to the new spots. There’s this place I’ve been dying to show you. I think you’ll love it!
I blinked at the message on the screen, my heartbeat picking up the pace in my chest. Again, there was that crossroad in front of me. I could tell him the truth, apologize for not saying anything earlier, maybe even pick our friendship up where we left off. But it had been 8 years, and I had changed, and I was sure he had changed too. There was no guarantee he would like the person I had become, or even want to befriend me again.
And there was always that small, nagging possibility sitting in the back of my mind that I couldn’t shake. The one that told me he would never accept me. Just like my parents. And just like everyone else in Chestnut. Images flashed in my mind, a thousand made-up realities of how admitting the truth could go down.
And the one, hazy nightmare of what had actually happened with my parents.
I didn’t want to go through that again. It was easier with strangers--who cared if random people on the internet called me a slur, or some dude at the bar threw a drink at me. They didn’t matter. They were insignificant blips in my life at best.
But my family, my friends… They mattered. It was because they mattered that this was so hard. It was because I cared about them that I was so scared of what might happen.
It was selfish, and I knew it, but I couldn’t bear the thought of losing them.
At the end of the day, that was why I left first.
Nyaruto, 8:20 PM
I’m not coming back.
Nyaruto, 8:20 PM
I’m sorry.
I said I changed, and that was true. But one thing remained the same, and it probably always would.
Even after all that time, I was still a coward.
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