In this room once more. What is this? The millionth time? Probably. I look down at the courtroom with the panel of judges and the one accused. No one to defend him. No one to witness, except for people he has never met. Well, until today.
"Samuel Roger McKalis, you are here today for your judgment." The main judge declares. When was the last time the judges changed out? They have been the same for the past hundred years. I mean I know they can go and enjoy their time peacefully in Heaven instead of doling out the punishments. I glance down at Samuel, also known as Sammy.
I've been watching over him for the past twenty years and I failed him. I couldn't influence him well enough to keep him from turning out like all the others. He grew up in a bad neighborhood and instead of aspiring to get out of it, he joined one of the many gangs at the ripe age of sixteen. Four years later he dies from a shoot-out. I can still remember his look of disgust upon seeing me and...
"You look so gloomy. When are you going to stop coming to these things? You know they will never come back with you." The most annoying voice I have heard on my existence says from behind me.
"Leave me alone, Reaper." I say, averting my attention back to my charge. He has a chance. He didn't do anything too bad. He didn't kill anyone, didn't cripple anyone, didn't harm anyone enough to be hospitalized. The worst he did was steal from others. He couldn't even shoot a gun properly. He has the best chance out of all my charges to make it.
"Are you getting your hopes up again? What's the point? He will be going with me today and you know it." Reaper says once more. She's by far the worst thing that has come out of my duty. She showed up about fifty years ago and I'll probably be stuck with her for another 950 more.
"Do you have any kind of regret, Samuel?" One of the judges asks, finally. He didn't do anything too bad, so I don't know why it took them that long to read through his sins. Samuel, who had been mainly staring down at the floor, finally looked up at the judges.
"My only regret is that I didn't have a better guardian." He then turns his entire body to face the balcony directly above him. He gives me a deep look of hate. "You piece of shit! When did you ever look out for me, huh?!" He screams at me, tears streaming down his face. I hear Reaper release a sigh. I look back at him and feel regret well up within me. Why am I never good enough? Why can't I help people like the other guardians?
"Samuel, do you regret any of your transgressions that you committed during your life on Earth?" the leader of the panel asks once more. He stares at Sammy, with an imploring look. This is where everything could change. Maybe if he repents, they'll allow him into Heaven. Please repent.
Sammy turns slowly back to the judges and gives them the dirtiest look. "I regret nothing. I would do it all again and more to survive." He turns back to give me another hateful glare. "Send me to Hell. I don't care."
No.
"Told you." Reaper whispers underneath her breath.
"Is that truly what you want? There is Purgatory—" the judge begins, only to be interrupted.
"No. Send me to Hell. Now." Sammy says, no hesitation in his voice. The judge looks back at him, examining him.
"Very well." The judge finally says after a few moments. "Samuel Roger McKalis you will be sent to Hell. This is your Judgement." As soon as he uttered the ruling, Reaper leaped from the balcony unto the ground. She walks over to Sammy and grabs his arm and leads him out of the room. She'll lead him to the gate of Hell.
I drop my face into my hands. Why? Why him? He could have done so much good. Purgatory would have been good too. Why would he choose this? I guess I truly am what he called me.
"I will never understand why you still come to these things. None of your charges ever get to Heaven." Reaper says walking next to me, as the next soul is lead into the room for their judgement. I ignore her looking at the doors that Sammy walked through. I will probably never see him again. I failed him, just like everyone else.
"Guardian." Reaper says sternly.
"What, Reaper?" I say finally acknowledging her. I try to ignore her because she always demands to understand the same thing repeatedly. She'll never get it, no matter how many times I explain it.
"Explain why. In your hundred years of being a guardian angel, you have not had a single soul return to Heaven with you. So, why do you subject yourself? What that dude said is not even the worst thing your charges have said to you, so why?" She asks, flipping over the railing, holding onto it and staring into my eyes. "Tell me."
"You'll never understand." I tell her, turning away from her. Suppose I better go see who my next charge is.
"How am I supposed to, when you never try!" She yells after me, just as the next judgment is laid down. I walk away as I hear her heave a huge sigh of annoyance and the thud as her boots hit the court floor, ready to escort the next soul to their destination.
My other charges are probably asleep right now. At least they all made it through another day. I feel my heart ache as I think about my next victim. I am the worst angel ever, but I want to help, so I can't stop. I need to do better. Good enough that my charges will lead decent lives without all the misery hanging around them.
**
I walk into the Guardian building and immediately see one of the heads. "Hello Ming!" I call out to her while walking over.
"David!" She says happily, spinning around. "How are you? I'm sorry about your charge." She says, giving me a rueful smile.
"It's okay. He chose his destination, so at least he is where he wants to be." I say, wincing at the memory of his adamance that he be sent to Hell.
"I suppose that is a good way to look at it." Ming says, with another rueful smile. All the guardians pity me because I have never been able to escort one of my charges to Heaven. The only one. "Also your newest charge is in! He's a Chicagoan!" she says with so much enthusiasm. She hands over the tiny file that currently should hold only basics, like birth, name, parents, and all current medical records. Files grow with the souls. An artist's file will be filled with all their drawing and aspirations, while a cook will have pages upon pages of their masterpieces. My charges' files are usually filled with ailments and pain.
"Well I better head down to see the little guy. He might need a good dream." I say with a smile, as I turn to head back at the door.
"Oh, you poor thing." I think I hear Ming mutter behind me.
"What? Sorry, I didn't catch that." I tell her, looking back over my shoulder at her.
"Oh, it's nothing." Ming says her pity smile back.
**
After a quick bright light, I was standing in an alleyway...but that can't be right. The baby was just born, I should be in a white sterile room, not a filthy disease riddled alleyway. I look around and see a man standing in front of a giant dumpster. Was I wrong? Did I transport to the wrong person? I must've. I must be with one of my other charges. A sigh release from me. Wow, I can't even transport to the right person. I shake my head at myself and glance back at the man. He was burrowed within layers of coats, which prevented me from identifying him. I walk over to him, but then I freeze.
A wail pierces the air. The man curses and then unceremoniously drops the wailing object into the dumpster.
No.
The man bolts from the alleyway as fast as he can in his multiple layers. The wailing follows him and increases in volume.
I shake my head. This wailing...it must be a kitten. Yeah, a kitten. And that guy was probably Holland. He's done this kind of stuff before because he can never handle another living thing. I'll just help the poor thing from the trash and be on my way. Yeah.
A kitten. Must be a kitten.
I walk slowly towards the dumpster feeling dread pooling in my stomach. The wailing is continuing. Kitten. Kitten. It's just a kitten.
Please...
I investigate the dumpster and I fall to my knees. No. No. No. No one can be this cruel. I just saw it wrong. I'm wrong. It's not what I think. Please.
I stand back up, relying all my weight upon the dumpster and my heart drops.
A baby.
A baby screaming wrapped in a towel. A baby in a dumpster in winter, with nothing but a towel. I feel hot tears fall down my face as I take in the horrific sight. This...how can anyone do this? I look back at where the man had run, and his tracks were already disappearing. All proof that he had been here was leaving. I look back at my newest charge. He could only be a few hours old. Right? Maybe not even.
The file. I have to view the file. I dig into my coat and pull out the terribly thin file. I open it and all the warmth exits my body.
NAME: NONE
BORN: JAN. 13 19**
DEATH: JAN. 13 19**
That's it. Three lines. No name. Same birth and death date. Nothing else to define this poor soul. No! A mistake. That's all. Just a stupid typo. I run to the end of the alleyway and look out into the empty streets. But how! When is this city ever empty?! I run back to the still crying baby, terrified.
What do I do? Do I try to comfort him? But his crying might be what saves him. Someone must hear him. I look around and look back at the tiny baby. I stretch out my hand, maybe if I move him to where more people are, but I hear Ming.
"We must never directly interfere."
I can't move him. That would be interfering. He was put here and someone living has to move him. I drop my face into my palms. What do I do? I look back at the file and I hate it. I look back at where the father escaped, and I hate him too.
"Guardian." I turn and where I had appeared maybe two minutes ago now held Reaper. No.
"Go away." I mutter. She can't be here. I refuse. I look back at him and see how red his face is turning. His wailing has only gotten louder. I can't imagine his fear. But... he needs to cry. That is the only way someone will find him.
"Guardian." Reaper says once more, her voice was thick. Like she was trying not to cry like me.
"Leave." I say. "Please leave." My voice cracks on the 'please'. I don't any kind of shame for it like I might once have.
"I can't." She says regret clear in her voice. She walks over to me and stands beside me. She looks down at the little guy with this look of complete sadness. I could see her holding back her tears as she softly runs her hand along his forehead. "You're the only one who can comfort him, you know." She tells me, giving me a pleading look.
"I can't." I say mimicking her short, but terrible sentence back at her. "This is his only chance," I say looking at the exit to the alleyway willing anyone to walk by.
"Guardian.... he has no chance."
I whirl back at her, filled with disgust. She returns my look with the saddest, most regretful eyes I have ever seen.
"You know what's going to happen since I'm here. I'm a Grim Reaper, it is my job to collect souls." She says all of this, with no emotion. As if it as all bled out of her. As if...she didn't care. "You should calm down. He can sense our presence and no doubt he feels your fear. Collect yourself." She tells me sternly, looking down at the wailing baby wrapped in a pathetic excuse for a towel. She brushes her fingers once more against his wrinkled forehead. I'm wrong. She does care. She's trying to make his final moments as comfortable for him as possible. She's hiding her emotions, so she doesn't scare him any further.
Finally, I give in and I follow her finger's path with mine, filling the infant's mind with sunshine and feelings of happiness. Slowly, after a few moments his wailing peters off, and along with it all my hope. I can feel Reaper staring at me, waves of sympathy flowing off her.
"On the bright side, one of your charges will finally go with you to Heaven." She says, smiling down at the little boy who was gasping for air. He must be so hungry.
"How can you possibly find a bright side you cold-hearted witch?" I snarl at her. Glaring at her with all the hatred I feel at the file, that stupid towel, this dumb alleyway... and that horrible person who can't even be considered human.
"It's good to find a happy side no matter how terrible the situation is." She tells me, glancing down at the little guy. "With this cold, he probably doesn't have much longer." I glance back down at the little guy, running my hands across his tummy. His skin is like ice. I can already see his lips turning blue, as well as his itty-bitty fingers and toes. She's right. He doesn't have long. He didn't even get long enough to get a proper name.
"I attend the judgements because I can't ever leave my charges. I was tasked with trying to help them live their best possible life. And I intend to be there for every second with them, at least in spirit. I want them to know they are never truly alone. I attend those judgements because I love them. I go because I want them to know that as crappy of a guardian angel as I am, I do care." I stare down at the poor little boy who never even got a proper chance to live. I already love him. I love him just like I do all my other charges. I want him to live his best life. I want him to live a long, happy life. I want his file to be bursting with his accomplishments, his mistakes, his memories, his loved ones, his joys... I want his file to thrive with his life.
I want him to live.
I raise my other hand from its useless position at my side up to my left ear. Every guardian gets a gold earring that runs along the top of their ear. It's what marks us. It's what hides our bodies from people. It's what keeps us from making physical contact. It's what binds us from making any kind of real interference.
I touch the always warm gold bar and rip it off my person with every fiber of my strength. I feel a jolt of cold run down my entire body and my feet sinking into the snow. I felt the wind ripping at my face with its tiny little snowflakes pricking my face. Is this what Little Guy is feeling?
"Guardian! What the hell are you doing?!" I hear Reaper exclaim next to me in horror. I look at her and I see the palpable fear in her eyes. I don't care.
"I'm interfering." With that I scoop the tiny body wrapped in a ratty towel into my arms and hold him as close to my body as possible. I turn and head towards the end of the alleyway, leading to the street. The exit. Hope. I get to the end and look both ways, trying to figure out which is the right way. I turn right. If I keep walking, I'll find a hospital...right?
"Left." A voice says right beside me. I turn and stare down into the warm brown eyes of Reaper. Her cheeks were red from the cold.
"What?" I say, not comprehending any of her. I couldn't comprehend her long black cloak that is fluttering in the freezing wind. Her red cheeks that make her eyes seem brighter.
"Left is the fastest route to a hospital." She says, beginning to walk, she turns back to look at me. "Come on, he doesn't have long. We need to hurry." I stare at her, not quite believing what I am seeing. But I follow her
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