Ava did not leave her bed the next morning. She claimed that she felt ill, which was true. She felt horrible. An ache permeated all of her muscles, an uneasiness was in her stomach, and her head hurt horribly.
She thought of the excuses. Why was Damalia making so many excuses? It could not merely be her appearance that held her back. She must know that Ava couldn't care less about her looks. Damalia’s beauty was in her heart. She was strong and intelligent and cunning. At the same time, Damalia was still so soft and tender, but only for her, her dove. The endearment had always made her heart flutter, even though it was under the guise of teasing.
Damalia was wonderful. She had made her feel cherished and special and cared for. She claimed to love Ava in return, but how could that possibly be true? Ava had borne her soul to Damalia, had made herself vulnerable in ways she never had before, yet she had still rejected her.
The memory of their quarrel caused her to close deeper within herself, knees now pressing against her chest. She’s said that I’m mistreated here, she thought, then why doesn’t she love me enough to take me with her?
A young servant brought the maiden her meals to eat in bed. She nibbled on the crumbs of bread, but they held no flavor. She was mentally bracing herself for tonight. When Damalia returned, they would have to finish their discussion. What would she say this time? Would her companion finally see reason? Could she convince Damalia that she was worthy of the love Ava held for her?
Another maiden offered to clean the sanctum for Ava, but she declined, claiming that she felt much better and would like to pray. Under the cover of night, she nipped into the kitchen to grab a bottle of wine. Hopefully, sharing it would relax them both before re-entering a difficult discussion. Her legs wobbled as she made her way to the sacred room, all the while she could feel her heart thudding heavily in her chest.
She moved to the back wall of the inner sanctum with bated breath. She whispered to the opaque curtain that they had conversed through many times. “Damalia?” she whispered. “Are you here?”
She was only answered with silence. She pulled back the fabric, which revealed nothing. She was nowhere in sight.
The same thing happened the following night, and the night after that, and the night after that. After a week had passed, Ava came to the conclusion that her friend had abandoned her. She was alone again, like she always had been. Damalia had abandoned her, just like her mother had after she was born.
Why am I never good enough to keep? she lamented to herself. Why am I not worth staying with? She knelt at the feet of her goddess’s statue, praying for understanding that never came.
She seemed to be on the constant verge of tears, which thankfully no one found suspicious. Many were still mourning the loss of Zoe, so her heartache did not seem out of the ordinary.
Days passed as she moved through her routines numbly; fulfilling every duty with little enjoyment. She had once been so content with this life, but it now seemed unbearable. She’d tasted of the forbidden fruit, a glimpse of the outside world, and she knew she would never be satiated again.
-
Damalia returned to her hovel.
“You stupid coward!” she screamed, throwing a ceramic dish at her wall. It made a loud cracking nose before shattering into hundreds of pieces. “What have you done!”
She leaned against a wall of her living quarters, letting her back slide against it as she crumpled to her knees. “You stupid, stupid fuck!” she chastised herself.
She hadn’t been prepared. She didn’t think Ava could ever love her in return.
How was it possible for someone as kind and gentle as her dove to fall in love with her broken edges? The trauma and pain that had encased her for so long felt impenetrable and impossible for anyone to see past.
Ava had always been different. Damalia never suspected she could be different enough to love her, a monster.
She couldn’t help but imagine what a life would be like with Ava, if they could be together. She pictured holding her, kissing her neck, laying in bed with their limbs tangled together….
The impossibility of it all caused her body to shake in pain. She felt like Tantalus, forever thirsty. The water before him was undrinkable, always out of reach as he bent forward. Her dove was before her with open arms, but she could never reach out for her. They could never be together…. or could they?
She shook herself from the thought. Of course it was impossible. Fuck. She cursed the gods again, throwing more dishware in her frustration.
She could never go back as she once had. Ava needed to forget her. That would be best for the maiden. She needed to slip away into the ether, a smokey memory that faded to the recesses of her mind. She wouldn’t, she couldn’t, speak to her again.
Though they could no longer be friends, Damalia knew it was her duty to keep Ava safe. She could never be her lover, but she knew she could still be her dove’s guardian.
It would be dangerous for Damalia to travel during the daytime, but it had to be done. She would never be able to forgive herself if she let something happen to the love of her life.
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