My fingers run along the matte cover of a book I have open, 43 pages left to read. It's smooth, soft texture caresses my fingertips. I have my other hand curled around the warm fur of Turtle where she lays next to me in bed.
The moon took its spotlight in the sky hours ago, graced by the twinkling lights of stars long since passed. The magical glow shines between my curtains, painting a white line down my orange wall.
Like a kid on Christmas eve, I'm too excited to sleep. Mind too full of desperate events that could take place when the sun rises.
I'm meeting Isaac in person for the first time. The day is here, a special day for me but for him too. He’s nearly 2 decades old.
I've got his gifts safely stored away in my backpack, along with my sweat shorts in preparation for staying over. I refuse to sleep in jeans and I don't know how appropriate it'd be to sleep in the living room of 3 strangers half naked. Not to mention my unspoken feelings towards Isaac…that used up be unthought too. What kind of mess am I getting myself in?
The quiet purr of Turtle brings a smile to my face, drawing me from my thoughts. It's tempting to break out into song, sing Feline to my beloved feline. Channel some of my chaotic emotions through my voice.
It's too quiet in here.
"What song would you like, Turtle?" I ask, reaching for my phone. The gentle yellow of my headboard light was enough to read, kind to my eyes, but my phone's brilliant white blinds me as soon as it flashes on. Mistakes.
"Hm, I wonder what Isaac likes this week." I mumble, still recovering my eyesight.
I pull his contact up. It doesn't matter what time it is, he almost always replies. He's either nocturnal or has his phone loud enough to wake him up everytime. The idea of that, though, makes me feel bad.
Obviously, not enough to not message him.
You, 02:03 Happy Birthday!
Neighbour Boy, 02:05 Go to bed.
You, 02:05 Current favourite song?
Neighbour Boy, 02:08 I don't know. I can send you a playlist I made the other day?
You, 02:08 YES
Neighbour Boy, 02:09 https://some_songs-some_platform
The link brings me to a playlist full of some songs I know and some I didn't think Isaac would listen to. Some Hozier, Years & Years, Glass Animals. He called the few Glass Animals songs I sent him once "trippy and weird". It seems he understands now, that is the point. And it's oddly relaxing.
I shuffle play and let the music take me. Bermuda begins playing, a song from my new album.
My cheeks heat up, and not from the idea that I'm listening to my own song late at night by myself. Isaac has me in a playlist. He's listening to my songs. This means he likes them, right?
I scroll down, past The Hoosiers, past Sam Smith- Sam Smith? I did not expect them to be on an Isaac playlist. Not that I'm complaining.
More of my songs sit interwoven through others. Feline, Palms, Summer Snow.
Ignoring my own voice, not that I'm not proud of myself, I listen to the playlist. It's calming, perfect for this time of night. Some of the songs are very Isaac: kind of dark, kind of fun. Others, well. I can't help but think I've had some influence over his music taste.
And I'm so gonna bully him.
With flustered cheeks and the lightest shakes running through my hands, I pull his contact back open.
You, 02:15 Pretty good taste youve got there
Neighbour Boy, 02:16 Narcissist.
You, 02:16 So can I consider you a fan?
He starts typing but it quickly goes away. I spend what feels like many more minutes just starting at my screen. Until he finally messages back,
Neighbour Boy, 02:18 If I tell you I was already a fan will you go to bed?
'Flustered cheeks', haha. They're now burning, my blood like molten lava flowing in circles beneath my skin. My heart rate picks up so fast it feels painful.
Already a fan. He hasn't known of my music for very long so he can't mean it in that way.
I'm just reaching, hopeful, looking for the tiniest signs that'll validate my feelings. I still expect him to message me one day, telling me he can't cope with the constant media fear that has to be looming over him.
This was supposed to help me feel calmer for tomorrow! God damn it Isaac! What am I gonna do?
"Turtle, please help me. This boy will be the death of me." I let myself fall face first back onto my bed. Turtle jumps away, the warmth of her blonde coat going with her. "I see how it is. You like the gossip but can't handle the comforting. Rude cat."
I hope that meeting him doesn't make this worse. Please, for some reason – any reason, do something that makes me not like you. Like, maybe… Sit weirdly?
Hm… If I like girls, and now Isaac, I might be bi. Which means I could have inherited the sitting weirdly trait. Which also means I could be a hypocrite.
Hold on, I can't believe I glossed over my sexuality. What the hell am I?
No, I changed my mind. Not important.
What is important right now is getting some damn sleep so I don't fall asleep on the train and miss my stop, or get drunk from one glass. I can't look like a zombie either. Should I plan my outfit? No, that's weird.
I crumple into my hands, squeezing my eyes shut. I try to convince myself everything will be fine, the only thing changing about mine and Isaac's relationship will be the fact we've hung out in person.
My light flickers off when I rest my head back on my pillow, duvet pulled up to my chin and Isaac's playlist quietly singing to me. It's calming. Exactly the type of music I enjoy listening to when I'm alone. I smile, this pleasant mood carrying me into sleep.
In my dreams, after daybreak, I meet with Isaac. I hang out with him, he has a great birthday and I realise I do just like him as a friend. He's my best friend and always will be.
And then… Best friends can kiss, right?
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