Why do you have to be straight?
Why do you have to be homophobic?
Well let me rephrase, I really don’t have problem with you being straight, but I feel dirty for the fact that I love you even though you are homophobic. I don’t know how and why, even after knowing all the facts, good and bad, I still fell for you. I invested myself unknowingly in you. And you know what fact pities the best, you are not aware of it even parallel to amount of a sand grain.
I know I am nothing but time pass for you, and for much longer time I always understood that, but even after this, I fell for you. Why do you have to have every quality I wanted in my partner? The laugh, the communication, the understanding… you possess everything I wanted in my future partner. I imagine you laying in bed with me, naked, semi naked or even fully dressed. Cuddling each other, making love, having sex and what not, and don’t think I didn’t try to stop this. But I see all my efforts to go in vain, when I jerk off thinking about you, even when I see porn, all I see is you and me in the scene.
You recently said that in college you were able to make only two friends, and one of which was me. When this moment was to be the time to be happy that I was able to get above your time pass acquaintance status, I felt bad and bad and again, should I say bad again? Because I don’t think, even after putting another bad, this sentence will depict the feeling what I felt.
Because all I could think of was, why not more?
You have two lives, a college one which you acquired, and one of school which somehow travelled here as well. And you did your best, to make sure these two doesn’t collide. You say you have created two different persons in each life that are somewhat different. And you intentionally don’t want these two parts of you to coincide. And I hope for it too. Because I fell in love with side of yours even after these many dark spots, I don’t know what will happen when I get to see your other image.
I think I fell in love with you, because for me I think I have seen you through a lens which others haven’t. That’s why I am able to put up with your shit; I call out to your bullshit every time. And the fun fact is that, you do the same.
I think that for a person, either you can be the best or the worst thing that can happen. And for me, you are the worst thing that can happen to me.
Our college is about to end, and we might never meet again. You might not even remember me, but I will. You say, you don’t know whether you will ever meet me again. And I beg to god, that against all odds, please, after college I don’t ever want to meet you. I really don’t.
From me to you,
A letter that will never reach you, Sh to Ar.
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