"So, how does it feel to be out of the closet?", I asked him while we sat on the back porch of my house, watching the sunset.
Much as we used to hang out in Jake's room and watch movies before the relationship happened when we were just friends, it became a ritual for us to sit on this porch, twenty years later, and talk and watch the sunset together every Sunday evening.
I was still in a bit of a shock at hearing that 'the larger than life Jake' from my childhood, had tried to kill himself, but Jake had explained that even though it was the hardest time of his life he now knew that he needed to experience it to be able to get his life on the right track.
Jake had spent his whole life pretending to be someone or something that he wasn't and a year and a half ago it finally caught up with him.
I felt sorry and extremely sad for him, and even though we had a long way ahead of us, I had decided to put the past to where it belongs and enjoy his company for as long as I could.
"Great, but also scary.", Jake said, staring at the beer bottle in his hand as his fingers scratched the wooden table we were sitting at.
"Scary?", I asked tentatively to which Jake laughed humorlessly and shook his head.
"I don't know. I don't know how to feel, to be honest. I have spent my whole life hiding in that closet, acting a certain part I thought that I had to in order to achieve my dreams, that in doing so, I have forgotten to actually live.
And now it's out in the open, the whole world knows, and man, it's a big world, you know. I suddenly find myself able to do whatever I want, with whomever I want and it scares me."
I nodded with an understanding smile, even as something buried deep in my chest started to ache at the thought of Jake with some man, a fact I chose to ignore whenever it popped up, too afraid to even contemplate the meaning behind it.
"Shorty, can I ask you something?", Jake said after a few more beers, as the two of us giggle like children, lying on the damp grass in my backyard. I could honestly say that I could not remember how we got there from the porch, but at that moment I couldn't care less.
I was having fun for the first time since forever; that feeling of rightness that I've always felt in Jake's company returning in full force.
The rational part of my brain kept telling me that I was making a mistake; that Jake had hurt me once and that he would do it again, but I ignored it, as my hazy mind swam with drunken content.
"Sure. And oh my God, I forgot about that horrible nickname! Please don't call me that.", I said laughing and at the same time groaned because I just knew that Jake wouldn't listen to me.
I felt him move beside me and turned my head to the side to see him lying on his side, our faces barely inches apart. The moment felt like déjà vu, as I was once again in Jake's room, staring into his blue eyes waiting for him to close the distance.
I blinked a few times, dispersing the memory, as I tried to slow down my rapidly beating heart.
"Do you still hate me?", Jake asked, his voice barely above a whisper as he looked at me with his eyes full of sadness, and I instantly knew that we were both remembering our last time together.
I had told him that I hated him and I could still remember the broken look on Jake's face as I was sure I was sporting the same one.
"I... I lied.", I said, after a moment, turning my head away to look at the shining stars on the night sky because if I hadn't, I didn't know what I would have done. Jake was too close, too intoxicating, too everything; and I knew that it would be more than easy for me to get lost if I didn't put a stop to this.
"Lied?", Jake asked, his voice betraying confusion and I closed my eyes for a second and inhaled deeply.
"I never hated you, Jake. I lied. I just said that because I was hurt and betrayed.", I said, blinking heavily as my eyes burned at the memory.
"You broke my heart that day, Jake. You broke it so well, that I can still feel the cracks in it from time to time. But I never hated you, because I loved you too damn much.", I whispered, not daring to look at him, as I blinked away the tears that I hated myself for.
I felt Jake's warm hand on my cheek and opened my eyes to see the man looming over me, a sad smile on his face, and his eyes glistening as he watched me in silence.
I wasn't sure what compelled me to do it, but there was something at that moment that just seemed right even if I would regret it come morning. So I raised my head until we were a breath apart and I whispered, "Kiss me, Jake. Please.", and in the next moment, we were kissing.
Jake's lips immediately took possession of mine, as he sucked my bottom lip between his teeth and bit it hard, making me let out a moan. The kiss was hard, almost violent, producing as much pain as it did pleasure.
I pulled Jake over me as his lips moved down to my neck, kissing and biting it, and making me tremble.
"I missed you so fucking much.", I heard Jake say, before his lips came back to mine, his warm tongue invading my mouth.
Jake's hands were everywhere; as if he was trying to touch every single part of my body, so desperate in his pursuit, leaving me a shaking mess.
Our clothes came off quickly, as we burned for each other's touch, as much now, twenty years later, as we did when we were just kids.
Even though I've tried not to think about Jake too often, a small fantasy still managed to worm its way into my mind every now and then, but even when that happened I've always thought that if I happened to see Jake again and be with him, that it would be disappointing since I was sure that I've has built him up in my head as some kind of God as well as a Demon, and that the real Jake could never measure up to that, but boy was I wrong.
As I felt Jake enter me, making us one being, once again, I finally realized that no amount of fantasy could ever come even close to the real thing.
At that moment Jake was everything to me and I knew that I was everything to Jake, as the two of us moved together, desperately chasing the ultimate pleasure.
"I am sorry, George. I am so sorry, my love.", Jake kept repeating, as he moved quicker and harder, making me moan and cry out into his mouth, as the bliss I thought I would never feel again crashed through me.
After the act, we laid there in silence side by side, much like we used to, Jake's hand interlaced with mine, as we tried to catch our breaths.
My mind was racing a mile a minute, as one side of my brain screamed at me to get up and run away, berating me for being weak, while the other urged me to stay and never let Jake go again.
I turned my head to the side, watching the man that was once my everything as he did the same.
"I know that you don't trust me anymore, and I understand. I hurt you and I will forever hate myself for it. But I cannot bring back the time, I cannot change the past George, as much as I wish I could; all I can do is try and make you forgive me. Try to prove to you that I still love you, that I never even stopped, and then maybe one day, you can learn to love me again. Just one chance, Shorty, that is all I ask. Just one chance, please.", Jake said while looking at me, tears slowly trailing down his face as one of his hands caressed my cheek softly.
I closed my eyes, feeling more unsure of myself than ever before, as part of me, although a small one that was still bristling from Jake's betrayal urged me to say no just to spite him, while the other danced in happiness at hearing Jake's words.
The silence stretched for a few long minutes before I sighed and opened my eyes, raising my hand to Jake's face as a small smile appeared on my face at the hopeful look that spreads across Jake's, and just the sight of it was what made my decision easier than taking a breath.
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