Griffin
“Everyone will know,” Claude's voice rings shrill in the early morning, “everyone.”
I can tell he is nervous, he can’t stand still. He is walking back and forth, biting his fingernails.
If we go back I will be killed. The Government won't put up with Claude any longer. He might not be killed, like me, but he’ll be brought to a place that is worse than death. The Lab. Every so often a Magick gets put there too, if they're so unlucky. The things they do in there is so unspeakable, so inhumane. But they think it is okay because us Magicks, us gays, we are not human. Anyone that is not ‘normal’ is not human and so we can be treated without respect. And the Leaders know about Claude because of me, because I couldn’t keep my goddamn mouth shut. They will give no mercy. We’re outlaws now, we have to be.
But something inside me is tugging me back, it’s strangling me. I can feel it in Claude too. We have been away too long, and the feeling is growing. I have felt it before, when me and Claude were here, lying on the grass talking, hearts beating fast, our hands so close, almost touching. But that was before, when we weren’t outlaws. The feeling is like a sickness, growing, spreading, making us weaker. I couldn’t figure out why I felt this way. It wasn’t the feeling I usually got around Claude, that one was sweet, it was soft, and relaxing. This feeling was so vivid in my memories, but I couldn’t remember why I felt it. The thought swam in the back of my mind, peaking at the surface of the waves that covered it, but refusing to stay afloat for long enough to recognise it. I wanted to scream at it, afloat of my little raft, trying to fish the thought out of my pool of a mind. I wanted to throw myself into the pool. But I’d never return from the memories. I’d get caught up staring at the past, I would forget about the present.
I stared out into the surrounding lands, barely noticing the beauty in it, we were stuck here for now. I was wishing that I didn’t have this damaged relationship. Wishing everything was like before.
Claude is still now, quiet, his eyes clouded over. Something was wrong.
“Hey,” I place my hand on his shoulder, “you okay?”
He looks up, his eyes staring at mine, his beautiful, soft eyes, caring but sad, threatening to swallow me up. To make me want to be close to him, forever. No, no I shouldn’t want that. This is all wrong. So wrong.
“They all think it’s a choice, Griffin, they think I’m just doing this because I want to. I don’t, if I could choose, trust me, I would like girls, I would be straight, but I can’t. I know you don’t get it, no one does, no one ever will. Everyone will just keep treating me like I’m an outcast, like I’m a piece of trash, something gross and strange. To them I’m an alien,” He sniffs and wipes his nose on his sleeve, “I’m even an alien to myself, Griffin I don’t know who I am, I never did,” There was an eerie silence that fell over us like rain. I was so angry with myself, all I had to do was be quiet, to be respectful. But I wasn’t, and now my best friend is alone.
“I get it, Claude. I get what it’s like to have everyone assume that you are evil, and that you chose this. But I also know that it’s not enough,” He stared at me with slight doubt in his eyes, “we both had to hide, from our parents, from the world. I have to stand alone in places that I shouldn’t. And I have to hold an overwhelming guilt that this is a choice, that if I tried I could change it. And trust me, I tried. But I can’t - You can’t - because it’s who you are. It’s who you were meant to be, it’s how you were born,” I paused, wondering if I should go on, or if I should leave. I’m great at that, leaving, I did it when Claude told me he was gay, I did it when I saw Claude in the hallways, I even did it when Claude was getting beaten up.
I muttered some words, half hoping he wouldn’t hear, “I never wanted it to be this way Claude, I never wanted to pretend to be ashamed of knowing you, I never wanted to throw you face first into a life of crime. And yet it’s all I can do. After all these years, all I can say is say sorry.” I stared at him, unblinking, I felt like tears should stream down my face, landing on the ridged ground below me, but they weren’t, I had somehow run out of tears.
The silence was so apparent in the next few minutes of our lives. And I hated it. I could see him thinking, his eyebrows furrowed, biting his lip. I could see his long eyelashes, fluttering in the cold soft wind. And I realised how lonely I had been without him, I had missed his beautiful voice telling me everything was okay. And now I needed to do that to him. But I couldn’t, I wasn’t strong enough, I wanted to tell him all my problems, all my secrets. But that wasn’t fair. My mind was going back and forth between what was wrong and what was right. But I couldn’t be silent forever wondering what to say.
“Claude?” I asked him quietly “What are we going to do?”
I looked into his eyes, I wanted to reach over and grasp him in my hands. I wanted to cradle him, “I’m sorry I took you out of the comfort of the inside world, of the ‘perfect place’.”
He stared at me, telling me everything with his eyes. Finally my emotions got hold of me, escaping from me, “I can’t do anything to help us, okay? I’m worthless. Stop looking at me like you see something in me, cause there is nothing! Trust me, I’ve searched. You’re so fuckin’ perfect and I don’t know why you were friends with me in the first place, I just mess everything up,” I stare at the ground, and scuff my converse against the protruding dirt, “and when things get too hard, I just leave, I teleport,” I paused “And now look where that got us!” Yet another silence hung around us, I was starting to get used to it. I turned away from Claude, I couldn’t look in those eyes anymore, they held so much truth, so much trust. But what reason should he have to trust me? All I did was lie and deceive him.
“Griffin?” He whispers, “Please look at me,” I didn’t want to look at him, I didn’t want to hurt him again. But I also wanted to fall into his eyes, to forget everything around me. I looked up, but made sure to turn my face away from Claude’s, I peeked into the distance.
“Griffin-” Claude pleaded.
“Shhh” I interrupted him, raising my hand to shh him, stopping his sentence in its tracks. I could hear his hurt floating through the air. “Do you see that?” I squinted, my eyes barely seeing the image in the distance “It looks like a person”
“What are you talking about?” The hurt in the air became stronger as he choked out the words, “There’s nothing there,”
“I swear there was something,” I said, scared now. Finally I looked around to see what Claude was doing, but he wasn’t there. Glancing around in fear, I start to call his name but feel a hand clamped over my mouth
“Shh, I‘m here,” I turned around again, he was next to me, he was so close to me and I could smell his cologne, seeping heavily through the air. “There is definitely something there. Someone, ” I could tell he was still hurt, but a slight smile was forming on his face.
I teared my eyes away from him looking to where I had seen the movement, the figure, sure enough, there was a small darkened figure, I was tempted to teleport towards them, to see who it was, but I couldn’t just leave Claude. And it could be the Government.
“Is it a pawn?” I asked, the bad feeling in my stomach growing.
Claude chuckled slightly. When we were younger, when we were friends, pawns were what we used to call all the people working for the Government, the ones that were never around during the day, hidden in The Leader’s tower, The Leader’s fortress.
Beside me I felt Claude change, focus in on the figure in the distance, but unlike he was doing before. His whole energy, his whole spirit had changed.“The figure…” he said in a voice that seemed close but so distant, so loud but so quiet, “she is scared,”
My gaze fell softly on Claude, I could tell he could read my questioning eyes.
“I don’t know how,” Claude established “But I can tell, just by seeing her, that she is scared.”
“Claude?” I was shocked. “What do you mean she is scared?”
“I-I, I don’t know” He glanced at me “Just, the actions she made, the way she looked, and moved I could - I can - tell that she is afraid, and lonely.”
The small figure, afraid and alone, was slowly creeping its way towards us.
“Claude...Claude, it's coming towards us” I croaked “We have to get away”
I turned towards him, fear wrapped around me.
“What if you're wrong?” I asked him “What if the person is not who you think she is?”
He looked back at me.
“Trust me.” That was all he said, I tried to look at Claude again, but my eyes were locked on the growing figure, growing rapidly in size. But I tried not to be scared, because I did trust Claude. I wanted to trust Claude.
As the figure came closer I could see the fear in her eyes, the paleness of her skin, how fragile she was. I could feel Claude holding his breath, and realised I was doing the same, scared if we made a sound she would shatter and break. I could see the bruises on her arms, the black under her eyes, the dryness of her lips. Claude was right. She was scared, she was lonely, she was afraid. Her white clothes, shirt and long pants, were ripped and dirty, they had lost all their warmth, and now they were just rags.
She stumbled towards us, her eyes darting around, her feet squishing on the mud ground.
“Hello?” A whispered croaky voice emerged from her small body, “Water?” she choked out.
She started shaking, goosebumps rising on her skin. Her eyes fluttering closed, and she fell softly on the grass. Lying there she reminded me of Claude, scared and hurt.
And just like before. I just stood there, watching, focusing on my breathing. In and out.
Claude was beside her, helping her, gentle but strong. His top hat lying on the grass beside him, his long coat wrapped around her shoulders. It felt so wrong, I felt so jealous.
I was falling for Claude.
But I wasn’t gay, I couldn’t be.
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