"This is cute." Said Hex, as we found a table in the little café.
"I know, right?" Replied Anderly, beaming. "I found it on Insta a couple weeks ago."
It was a small place, tucked at the end of a narrow path between two buildings on Main Street. Exposed brick walls and a polished concrete floor were lightened up by dozens of strands of small lights crisscrossing the ceiling and warm wood details. I scanned the chalkboard menus on the wall for anything that looked appetizing at all. Nothing really did, even though I had been hungry earlier and I knew I needed to eat.
"You okay, Cosmo?" Asked Anderly, realizing I'd been silent all this time. Her and Hex were both looking at me.
"Ah, yeah. I'm fine." She narrowed her eyes at me, waiting, as if to say: "I know when you're lying, asshole."
"I'm kind of nauseous." I admitted. "-and tired."
She patted me on the back. "Well you should try to eat something, even something small. It might make you feel better."
There was no way they hadn't noticed my eating habits by now, since we shared so many meals together.
"You look skinny as fuck, Sweetie." Said Hex without warning, and we both turned to look at him. He was just scrolling on his phone, sunglasses on indoors, not giving a single shit about social decorum, as usual.
"Hex, Jesus!" Gasped Anderly, swatting him. "You could try to be a little... I don't know, less of a dick about it?"
He glanced up at her, then back to his phone. "I'll be nice after I've had caffeine." He said, looking at me and adding, "Sorry, Cosmo."
Anderly didn't seem all that mad. "You're such a bitch before you've had coffee, my god."
"Just one of the many things I'm renowned for, my dear." He stuck his tongue out in a blatantly sexual way.
"Oh my gag, stop. Now I'm nauseous too." She looked at me, probably to see how insulted I was. Hex just snickered.
I thought this whole exchange was pretty funny, but if I laughed I thought I'd also throw up, so I just put my head down on my arms and gave a thumbs up.
A waitress came and took our orders right after that, thankfully. Hex spoke up before we could even open our mouths.
"A double espresso and a whole wheat bagel." He said, curtly.
"I'll have a hazelnut cappuccino and a lemon raspberry scone, please." Anderly rolled her eyes at him.
"I'll just have a ginger tea with honey, thanks."
"Nothing to eat, babe?" Asked Anderly, looking more concerned than before.
"I don't know." I said, "Maybe after the tea."
The waitress left, and I tried to keep my eyes closed, but my stomach was not having it. After two minutes my head was spinning.
"Anderly..." I groaned, salivating and swallowing it down. I looked at her, miserable. "Where's the bathroom?"
"Uh, crap." She stammered, seeing how pale I was, and stood up, leading me by the hand. "Come on, babe, I'll take you." Hex actually sat up straight and lifted his glasses, sharing a worried look with Anderly before she dragged me down a dim hallway to the restroom. I barely made it to the toilet before my knees hit the floor and I was puking my brains out into the ceramic bowl. I heard the door close and lock, and Anderly was there, rubbing circles on my back.
God damn it.
I reached up a shaking hand and flushed.
"Anderly." I croaked, spitting. The bile from my empty stomach made my throat burn like fire. "Please go." I wiped my watery eyes and leaned my sweaty forehead on my flannel-covered arm on the edge of the toilet, too exhausted to hope it was sanitary.
"Why?" She asked, leaning down to look at my face. I closed my eyes and frowned.
"I just- It's too embarrassing. I can't..." What I meant was: "I know you've seen me at my worst, but I'd like to try and retain at least a tiny speck of dignity, and it's really humiliating for you to see me in this state." but that was all I could manage.
She didn't leave, just kept rubbing my back. "It's okay, Cosmo." Her voice was soft, endlessly compassionate. That almost made it worse.
"I'm sorry." I said, wanting to phase into the floor and disappear. "I'm sorry."
"Don't say that. You have nothing to be sorry for or embarrassed about, okay? It's not your fault. I know your meds are screwing you up a little right now, but I'm sure it'll get better-"
"No."
"No?" She stopped rubbing my back and sat down on the floor next to me, wrapping her arms around her bent knees.
"I don't believe- I don't know if it will." I tried to word my thoughts carefully, so I didn't scare her. I did not want to get thrown back in that ward.
"Why do you say that?"
I sat back against the wall. "I don't feel like I'm getting better. I feel like I'm getting sicker and more tired, and I'm still hurting." I put my right hand on my braced left shoulder. Her arched eyebrows drew together in a frown as she listened.
"And that just sort of... makes me more depressed. So its like..." I tried to gather my thoughts into a comprehensible sentence. "I can maybe be in physical pain or mental pain, or both, but not neither. Never neither. I feel like I'm going to keep doing what I'm supposed to, what I'm told to, but I might never get better, and I'm..."
Scared.
She looked truly sad at that moment. I pathetically wanted her to say, "I understand." even though I knew she couldn't.
But she said, "I'm sorry." instead. The same thing everyone said when I told them about what I was dealing with. Like I had just told them someone died. There's no way they could understand, and I really didn't know why I thought it would make a difference if they did.
"This isn't your fault, either." I sighed, standing up -ow- to swish water and swallowing it down. I washed my hands and splashed water on my face before Anderly shoved a wad of brown paper towels at me. I dried my face and looked at her, hoping I hadn't just ruined her entire day with my depressing bullshit. She was smiling a little, holding up her phone.
"Hex is worried. Our orders just got there, so let's go back before he takes his concern out on the waitress, okay?"
"Yeah." I said, following her out of the small room and back down the hallway. "And thanks, too."
"It's what I do, babe." She grinned.
~
I nervously looked around the mostly empty café as we sat back down at our table, but it looked like none of the other guests or staff had noticed me chucking it out of there looking greener than Kermit.
Hex had finished half his bagel and most of his coffee.
"Feel better?" He asked, licking cream cheese off his lip.
"Sort of. You?"
"Well, I don't want to burn this place to the ground anymore, so... Yes." He said, smiling sweetly. What a difference a caffeine fix could make.
Anderly let out a tiny mocking sound before she took a bite of her scone. "Pff." She was smiling too, though.
I sipped my warm tea and sighed, breathing in the steam. It soothed my painful throat and smelled amazing. We sat in relative silence for a while, and I finished the whole cup, feeling much better.
"This was really good." I said, after managing to eat half a plain bagel. Hex nodded in agreement, and Anderly just looked proud of me for getting down anything solid.
"We should make an effort to come here like once a week or something." I said.
They both looked flabbergasted.
"Make an effort, huh?" Said Hex, smirking. "Did you tie the real Cosmo up and leave him in the bathroom?"
"Yeah, for sure!" Said Anderly to me, completely ignoring Hex. She was beaming, elated.
It even made me smile a little, too.
~
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