“Janis?”
I knew that voice.
And when I turned to look at her, suddenly it was as if those last months we spent apart just faded from existence and I was back to being heartbroken and lost.
I saw Ceres standing a few feet away, looking dazzling as usual. That’s when I realized how foolish I was for telling myself all those lies, for so long. Of course I wasn’t over her. Of course I still missed Ceres. I still loved her. I wanted to be close again. Just by hearing her call my name, I was already close to tears. I yearned to go back to the day we’d met each other, to see her smile and to look into her eyes as she gazed into the night sky, just like that time.
And yet, I knew too well that it was all wishful thinking.
I should have realized at that first night that there would never be anything, when I absentmindedly went in for a kiss. I remember now how she reacted. How she pretended nothing had happened. If I had taken notice of that, maybe I’d have avoided getting my heart broken in such a spectacular way at the dancefloor, some days later.
All those things kept racing in my head as Ceres approached me. I was completely frozen in place. I couldn’t have budged from that spot if my life depended on it. Dang, why did Ceres have to be so pretty in the first place?
Ceres opened her mouth to talk. And stuttered. I had never seen Ceres stutter before.
“I… sorry… I’m sorry…”
I took a deep breathe.
“We need to talk,” I told her.
She nodded, uncertainly.
There were only a few places in that nightclub where the music wasn’t too loud for us to talk and even less of those where we could have some privacy to have this conversation. We found one of those in the backyard, near a wall. The music there was just bearable enough that we wouldn’t have to shout at each other to be heard.
“Talk,” I told Ceres.
She must have tried to start a phrase at least five times. Each time, she stammered, messed up, and tried to say it another way. I wanted her to explain to me what our time together meant. I knew she didn’t see me the way I saw her, or, at least, I learned as much after our last meeting, months ago. But still, I wanted her to know. Because, the way things were just then, no matter how much I tried to convince myself I didn’t feel anything for her anymore, those feelings would still be there. I had to get closure. To hear from her in her own words that she felt nothing for me, that I meant nothing to her. Just an acquaintance from a long time ago. A mistake.
“I’m sorry, Janis,” she managed to say. “After you left me that night at the pub, I… I didn’t know what to do. I know I did something wrong. I know I hurt you somewhere. It’s just… You’re special to me. I’ve been at a loss ever since you left. I don’t know what to do anymore.
That caught me by surprise.
“Special?” I asked her. “How so?”
“You’re a great friend,” she told me.
Oh, so that’s really all it was. I felt the tears well up, but I would not cry.
“Is that all?” I asked. I think that was enough for closure. I’d rather leave now before things got too messy.
Ceres panicked.
“No, wait!” I turned to leave. She took my hand. “Don’t go! P—Please give me another chance!”
It hurt. Having the girl I loved hold my hand and beg me to give her a chance, knowing she felt nothing for me, that really fucking hurt. The fact that being with her was the one thing I most desired in this world was adding irony to injury.
“Another chance for what?” I asked, without turning back to look.
“Um… To be friends again.”
That was it. Enough.
I turned and looked at her face, fighting back the tears. If this is how she’d be, I’d have to make sure she understood just how much this whole thing was hurting me. I had to make her understand why everything she said up to this point was unreasonable.
I pushed her against a wall. She didn’t resist, but her face showed surprise and doubt.
“Ja—“ she began to say. I didn’t let her. I held her hands against the wall and went for her lips.
This kiss was nothing like the one I had earlier that night. It wasn’t playful, or caring, no. It was aggressive, filled with bitter regret and all the pent up feelings I had been trying to stifle for months. It was electrifying, as if I was doing something wrong, but also exciting. It made adrenaline rush through my body and my heart rate speed up. I felt a mix of emotions, stirring a turmoil inside me like a hurricane. Fear, anger, sadness, joy, bliss, and lust. Kissing her sent shivers through my whole body. I felt something take over me. This was dangerous. It had to stop.
I pulled back.
“Janis?” said Ceres, in disbelief. “What…?”
“I’m gay,” I told her. That was the second time I admitted it that night. Maybe there was still alcohol in me. I had never been able to say it out loud before then. I continued. “I’m gay and I have feelings for you, Ceres. So no, I can’t be your friend.”
She let go of my hand. I hadn’t noticed she was still holding it, but once she did, I realized what I’d done. I had pushed her too far. I kissed Ceres against her will. What kind of sick person does that?
Even though she hadn’t put up any resistance, I could see in her face that she was scared. She looked at me as if pleading for help. I felt disgusted at myself for what I did. I knew that I’d never be able to forget the look on Ceres’ face.
I turned my back and walked away, making my way to the other side of the building, where Catherine and her cousin were probably waiting for me.
I had never felt so ashamed before. §
Comments (2)
See all