I’m sitting in a windowless room with a metal table and two people in front of me. One is an average looking white guy, short hair, wearing a button up and tie. The person next to him is the one that has my attention. He appears to just be a cloud of black smoke with horns, glowing white eyes. Everything in my mind tells me I should be freaking out right now but… I’m completely calm. “Hey there, Kris. I’m Andy.” The human reaches his hand out to me and I shake it without any consideration.
“Hi, uh, where am I? And who is that?” I point to the smoking figure.
“Well, I’d say don’t panic but apparently you can’t so that’s helpful. Kris, you’re dead. This is Hell, and my friend here is Lucifer.” Andy gestures to the smoking man who waves at me.
“Hi there, Kristoph!” There’s no face on him but I can somehow tell that Lucifer is smiling.
“So you’re, like, the Prince of Darkness, ruler of Hell, all that?” Confusion wraps itself around my brain. “And I’m in Hell? Was I that bad?” A heft starts to weigh on me as I start to come to terms with what’s happening.
“No! No, you weren’t!” Lucifer seems desperate to ease me as he waves his hands in front of him.
“Most people actually end up in Hell and it’s a pretty nice place all things considered. It’s just like living on Earth, really.” Andy’s words stop Lucifer’s erratic movements. “I’d be your case worker, basically handling your payments and housing and all that. But, the reason this smoke stack is here is that he has an offer for you.” He closes the file in front of him and leans back to give Lucifer the floor.
“I do! Are you ready?” The black cloud seems excited.
“I guess. Not like I have anything else to do.” I lean forward and put my arms on the table.
“Alright then! You see, God and I agreed on a set number of realms that we can and can’t interfere heavily with. For example, we’re not supposed to mess with your world too much. But! We have worlds that we can interact with more freely. We have this, kind of, ongoing argument about how to handle humanity. What God and their religions consider ‘sin’ is what I believe is just inherent in humans and shouldn’t be punished. I believe the rules that they come up with are too strict and people would treat each other just as well and with less prejudice if they weren’t beholden to their religions’ rules. Does that make sense?”
I open my mouth and inhale, then close it again. I shut my eyes and turn my head down to massage my temples. “I think? Basically, you want people to have total freedom to live life their own way?”
“Exactly! And I want to send you to one of these worlds to represent me and this idea. I want you to be a Demon Lord!” Lucifer's non-existent smile grows wide.
“A what?” My eyes shoot back and forth between the two. Andy just shrugs.
“You’ve heard of worlds with magic and various fantastical races and creatures. I want to send you to one as a Demon Lord, representing Time. This world you’ll be in has four pairs of direct opposites: four Angels and four Demon Lords. There are the Angels of Light, Hope, Order, and Space. Then we have the Demon Lords of Darkness, Fear, Chaos, and, you: Time. When you arrive, you’ll have a grand castle, your own army, limitless supplies and gold, pretty much anything you could ever need. How you gain your following is up to you.”
“Wait, you don’t have any more instruction than that?!” I hold my hands out, hoping for an explanation.
“Nope, the other half of our experiment there is to see how you all handle treating the world and its people and how you interpret your missions.” Lucifer straightens up and holds a hand out to me. “So, do you want to be a powerful Demon Lord in a world of magic? You may have some ‘heroes’ try to kill you in the name of the Church and its Angels, but if you die, I promise you an amazing place to stay.”
“Furnished by yours truly.” Andy places a hand on his chest. “Plus you won’t have to have a job down here. You’ll just get to live the high life in this low world.” The two laugh at his bad joke.
“Well… I guess if I get to do things my way, screw it. But I have one request!” I place a finger in the air. “I want a device with my music on it.”
Lucifer smiles again, “Easy! Welcome to the team, Demon Lord Kristoph.” He stretches out his hand. I grab it in return and feel a strange tingling envelop my skin.
“Wait!” Andy puts a hand up to stop the celebration. “You have to answer a few questions first. In your life, did you ever cry at a dog’s death in a television show or movie?” Andy’s face is deadly serious.
“Uh… Yeah, I suppose so? I’m not really sure what that has to do wi-”
“Ah!” Andy cuts me off almost instantly. “I’m asking the questions here. Now, have you ever entered the express lane of a grocery store with more than ten items in your basket?” I look at Lucifer to see him covering his face with one of his hands.
“No? I don’t think so, at least.” I shake my head in denial and a complete loss at what’s happening.
“Most Importantly, are you a virgin?” Andy looks up from his file one last time and stares me straight in the eyes.
“Wait! What?!” I shoot up in surprise at the sudden turn of the question. “What does that have to do with anything?!”
The two men across from me start to crack as chuckles escape their tight lips. “Dude, I’m just messing with you.” Lucifer and Andy start full blown laughing at me. “Besides, that’s already in this file.” Andy holds up the manilla folder and gives his eyebrows a quick raise. His grin is more evil than literally Satan sitting next to him. “Have fun with your magic, Kris! Lucifer, go ahead.”
“What do you-” Before I can finish my sentence, the smoky figure snaps his fingers and a light envelops my vision.
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