“Yes, a thousands times yes.”
“Wow...I don’t even know what to say? I didn’t think I’d get this far are you sure this isn’t a dream? What should I say anyways I’ve never been in a situation like this before?”
She shushed me and she whispered, “Don’t say anything, Oliver. Let the moment speak for itself and let us live forever in the dark.”
We both stood there smiling. Letting time flow around us as. We made the eye contact of an old married couple that never lost their spark. The kind of look girls beg for on instagram while they ignore guys that could give them all that and more... wait I am getting too self involved. I’m ruining my own moment. Ok, never mind the instagram girls, think about Alaska. For once terra and the cosmos were in harmony.
But then the bell rang. The moment shattered as the thought of being late for our next period became a legitimate fear. We were sprinting to class, trying not to be too late. I stopped her by grabbing her wrist, causing her to fling backwards, grinding to an awkward halt.
“Let’s bunk?”
“No! Oliver! My permanent record! I was aiming for perfect attendance.” she then started to run away but she ended up running in place as I held her back.
“Nerd….” I said followed by an ‘innocent’ giggle and a smirk. Me being the controlling boyfriend, I am walked her to class. As we came near the doors that lead to the field, in front of her class, we took a sharp turn and made a run for it to the field. She looked back but realised she was at the point of no return and ran with me. As we ran together, I felt something spark in me, a paroxysm of ecstasy never felt let alone forgotten. I think this is what people call feeling alive? For years I lived in my head. Alaska being the girl she is, made me need to be independent and stronger in a sense. She’s finally helping me to feel again. I started sleeping again. I stopped wishing I was dead. I'm learning to like myself and someone else. I started thinking I’m worthy of someone’s time and something more than a burden. She has changed the person I am. She’s made me whole...
(And sure the elitists might be saying, "Ugh this is so trash the characters are warping. He’s not the same loveable awkward boy anymore. But doesn’t love do that? Don’t we change for our significant others subconsciously? And it's instantaneous. Our feelings kinda take over since we don’t have a rational side anymore we kinda wing it? Isn’t that why we take all those stupid risks, like holding each other close in a dark classroom, putting our pride on the line in a confession or skipping class to be with your new girlfriend? Oh my god! I just said girlfriend?! Ugh it makes me so happy to be able to say that. I guess love is the little things…Wait I just said love...wait I said it earlier too!?!?!? Okay, play it cool just think it, don’t say it out loud yet.)
We somehow made it to the edge of the field for the last period of the day. Since it was almost the end of the day, the grounds staff wouldn’t be out here so there’s no way we’ll get caught. So we decided to go to the tree at the far edge of the field and bask in its shade and talk. We tried to take in this crazy day and be happy together and do stupid stuff as usual at our usual tree,
“You know Alaska, no one has ever made me as happy as you did when you said yes. You’re gonna be all over my diary tonight… I mean journal…I mean what journal? Don’t worry, I don't really have a journal.”
“Aww that’s sad. I think it’s cute for a guy to have a journal.”
“Then I’ll start one”
As we lay there on the ground, I gave her my classic puppy dog smile. I looked up at the tree and had some Vietnam flashbacks to the time I had a mild episode and was stuck on the field. It got to me and the puppy dog eyes were gone, the smile faded and was replaced by anxiety and animosity.
“Oliver, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing…”
She poked me in the centre of my forward pushing my head back so much that I almost broke my neck. “Don’t lie to me. I know you Oliver.” she scolded.
“Fine. I’m thinking about the time I had an episode here…”
“Wait is this that tree?! It's okay, we can move,” she said with shock, awe and concern all in one.
“No, it’s fine cause this is also the place where I fell extra hard for you, cause you saved me from myself here too.”
“Aww. I wish I had a way with words like you do Oliver, maybe I could be just as sweet as you then.”
“You being you is worth more than anything to me Alaska, you’re the reason I'm still here. As well as my hero. I mean you appeared during an episode no one has been able to conquer the schizophrenia…” I uttered.
“Yah I just appeared…” she suggested.
“Spill it.” I coaxed.
“Nothing...”
I poked her the same way she had earlier, “Tell me you’re my loser now. You have to tell me.”
She giggled and replied, “ Fine Oliver, you asked for this….”
“Yes, now tell me.”
“Oliver…. we’re time travellers. Sorta, kinda-ish.”
I burst out laughing at the bizarre statement. “You’re joking right?”
“No, really.”
“Swear on something?”
“I swear it on everything?”
“I still don’t believe you…”
“Fine Oliver. I was saving this for a special occasion but here it goes. I swear on the laifu of my real laifu waifu, you, that we’re time travelers.”
“That’s the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me…”, I said wiping away a single tear. "So are we really time-travellers then? Prove it?”
“Okay. Remember when you were in that field all alone. Well that wasn’t schizophrenia. That was you flung back in time. To a time before anyone lived in the area and there was nothing in this field, but this tree.”
“I really like you, but it still sounds a little far fetched…”
“Haven't you noticed how time feels a lot slower for you? When you think you picture yourself in dark mansion-esque place?”
“Yah?” I said in fear of the frightening accuracy of her description of the inside of my head.
“Well time affects us differently so of course normal time feels slow to us. And your mind is a ‘mansion’ with a huge main hall because that's your brain's connection to the hall of time. It's the gathering place of all the time travellers of future-past. It's made up of the essence of time that's why you could spend hours there but in reality no time has passed. And it’s dark because your connection to the essence is weak.”
“Okay I’m paying attention but now grab my interest.”
“In your mind, don’t you ever see many versions of yourself, but with slight differences? Maybe a little taller, or older or maybe more facial hair?”
I said nothing I stared in awe of her blowing my mind…
“Those are you from different points in time. They're only from the future as you only know about time travel from this moment on.”
“But what about the schizophrenia?”
“You aren’t schizophrenic. Doctors merely misdiagnose us as schizophrenics. My moms a time traveller as well so I didn’t have to go through that whole thing.”
“Wow...I’m as woke as Jaden Smith.”
“You okay?”
“I will be...”
And so the bell rang and we went to each other’ lockers in very secluded parts of the school. We hugged for the first time (which is a big deal for introverts mind you) and went our separate ways. On the drive home we (my mom and I) drove past the school. We drove past the side of the school that had a path that lead into the nature reserve(a forest filled with tall trees). Where there was one huge house belonging to Alaska’s family on the other side. It was hidden from the suburbs by a forest no one dared enter due to urban legends. And as she walked that road she faded into the trees out of sight and almost out of mind.
As I got home I went to my bedroom, closed the door and shed my uniform. It all hit me, this was just a Monday? It all seemed surreal, I asked out a girl and she said yes? The biggest surprise is that for the first Monday in the 16 years of my life I didn’t feel like killing myself? The sad part is I found out I’m kind of a time traveller but I’m more surprised that I got a girlfriend. (This seems pretty accurate to real life...) But wow, time travel… Wait is this all a prank? Was she just messing with me cause I have schizophrenia? No, you know what she’s like. She genuinely cares about you. She knows not to mess with your schizophrenia, right? Then the embodiment of anxiety itself crept up and whispered on and on about Alaska and soon my mind was racing. I fell from the clouds of my unique Monday and was back in the depths of hell known as every other Monday. That night I didn’t sleep until 4 AM. I got 2 hours of sleep before school and after I woke up I was cold and distant the rest of the week. I even tried to avoid her.
And in retrospect, that was the most immature thing I could have done, because that entire week, my Alaska was even nicer to me. That beautiful soul of hers tried to break the distance between us with smiles, jokes (all kinds of jokes that she hated because she knew they made me feel better), you could tell that she was earnestly trying. It all did nothing for me though. My demon had me in it’s grip quivering for the sweet release of death. But I’m not gonna be that guy who can’t deal with their issues and rather opts to kill himself. Alaska saw though that nothing broke through this and that all this damage was going on and she couldn’t do anything. I hate to think how it must have affected her, ‘cause she had become my Oji-sama (prince) and I her Hime-sama (princess) in that she was always saving me from myself and for once she couldn’t…
On that Thursday, Alaska greeted me and spent the morning with me, spent break with me and tried to comfort me all to no avail. I’m kinda glad it didn’t work. At the end of the day when we went to each others’ lockers. We went to her locker last and I don’t know what it was because I was just standing there. As she closed her locker and we went to the B wing exit. She stopped me and held my hands in a wedding service manner with the doorway being our arch in the background. And she looked me in the eyes with the same sparkle of hers that I fell for when we met and said,
“Bye Oliver. I hope you feel better tomorrow. I mean it is Friday, you really should cheer up for the weekend.”
And as she ended her simple yet beautiful words with a sincere and pure smile. (I honestly have no idea why she smiles when she’s with me, I’m a mess…)
(Note from Alaska: “You’re my mess.”)
(You know you really gotta love that girl... I mean name someone cuter than her. Please try, it’s not humanly possible.)
As I gave a smile as broken as my self-esteem she saw this as her opportunity to try and cheer me up with a kiss. Sadly it was just on the cheek it wasn’t a real one but the fact that it was from her and there’s the fact that she’s an introvert?!?!?!?!? It bewilders me, but she was only able to do this as we were the only people in the school. But the gesture means the world to me regardless of circumstance because Alaska May did it…. I seriously need to get over myself and just be normal with her but how do I do that? As long as I am in anxiety’s grip, I can’t seem to do anything but worry and I can’t ask her because what if I offend her and lose her?
I then imagined myself into the hall of time. (My new nickname for the batcave.)
“Guys?”
“Yes?” they all replied in unison
“To the board room!”, I proclaimed *insert an Adam West era Batman transition. (The kind with the spinning logo and cliche music)* “...Okay so what do we do now?” I asked.
“Uhm, we could move the hall of time?”
“Idiot...The hall of time is in my head/body. They can’t be separated”
“Fine…” they all said frowning together.
“Got it!”
“What?”
“We’ll just leave the hall of time and fight the beast together?”
“Brilliant Sir. That’s why you're the boss.” Various voices said as they praised me and shook my hand in approval.
“I’ll return at midnight, the time when I’m distracted and don’t suffer from anxiety as much. So the beast will be weaker but men this won’t be an easy fight….”
And so nightfall came and I spent the entire day planning for this and imagining armour for us all. For the first time, we all left the hall of time via the backdoor which lead to a cemetery.
“Why do we have a cemetery?
“To keep all the dead yous', duh.”
As I stared back in horror they all laughed and told me, “Jokes. Decoration.”
Anyways, clad in full glistening armour, we charged head first towards battle. The Monster's den is in a nearby Cave. (Monsters like these hide in the darkest places of our minds...)
Anxiety saw the horde approach and as soon as she and I met eyes, she turned into a dragon darker than her intentions. We charged head on and poked at her with spears and swords. We protected ourselves from her weak flames of low self-esteem with our shields made of love. (It's super cliche but love reminds us that we should value ourselves as much as others do.). Soon the beast grew tired of us. She retaliated with great black flames of anxiety, self-doubt and dread. We lost many me’s to the beast, resulting in many me’s poofing out of existence but their sacrifice wouldn’t be in vain. We would kill the beast or die trying or maybe see a psychologist? I don’t know how anxiety dragon battles work okay? Eventually the beast grew tired and a brave warrior (me) magically regained all his power and leapt in an epic fantasy style and dug his blade into its throat and let gravity do its thing. And what would a battle be without a victory speech?
“SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH!”
“Today we ‘conquered’ anxiety, but we know it will be back, it always returns... However, I thank you all for your time. I would like to say Anxiety may take our land and emotional freedom but it will never take our real laifu waifu”. *said in a braveheart style.* We cheered and raised banners with Alaska’s face on it.
Finally it was Friday and after a hard battle at night, now was the battle of the day. All throughout the day Alaska was missing and I was panicking thinking that I did something wrong, was she sick of me? Was it over? Or worse did she find someone else? It wasn’t until the end of the day when I finally found her at her locker. I am so grateful that she works like clockwork.
“So did you cheer up cause it's Friday? Or was it the thing?” She said as she blushed herself to a new bright shade of red.
I grabbed her hands and held them the way she held mine yesterday and said, “Both, mostly the other thing though...But that’s not important. I wanna say I’m sorry for how I’ve been lately and I wanna say thanks for being the most supportive girlfriend in the world. I would be lost with anyone else you know that right? On reflection, you are the only reason I made it through my dark fight with anxiety. The old me would have been consumed by it by now. But you gave me the strength and courage to conquer something for the first time in my life.”
“Oliver. Stop, I can’t take so many sweet things in one day…” She said as she invented an even brighter shade of red.”
“So I was thinking as a thank you gift. I’m gonna take you on a date tomorrow. Just be ready by 4pm. I’ll pick you up.”
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