Ophelia, Van and I went our separate ways. Well actually Ophelia and I went to the same bio class but she left me to my own devices when it came to Alaska. I met with Alaska in class as usual, but today was different. Most of the class’ blinds were closed except for the very back ones where a weird green box lay upon one of the lab tables.
“Hi, Oliver.”
“Hi, Alaska.”
“Anyways, How have you been?”
“Horrible and you?” she replied grimly and near death.
“Why? Did that really good anime you’ve been watching end?”
“Worse…”
“No, you don’t mean ATLA/ DB evolution bad?”
“Yup or possibly even worse.”
“What happened?”
“My husbando died…”
“How is that worse than the anime ending?”
“Cause it means there's no hope for the character to return cause this isn’t shounen, this is real…”
Pause...real. That word fucks me up so many different ways. The realization of everything I feel for this girl is real. The fact that she still isn’t mine. She means the world to me and that my grip is slipping from that as each second drifts past us almost in slow motion. The world passing around us and the fact that I can’t tell her. Aside from my motivation and ‘charisma’ that was all talk. Now that I’m here it’s all real… She’s real, my feelings for her. And that’s what makes telling her difficult. The fact that if she says no, these last few weeks where I was able to feel a euphoria that made the universe seem a little less vast and a little brighter will fade to nothing. The grandeur and loneliness will increase. Soon the onset of my existential nightmare will arise. The tree will appear again and no one will be there to save me. I’ll stand in that field for hours, maybe days, before I snap out of it and phase back into reality. And you, my dear reader might be thinking why not just tell her you like her, what’s the worst that could happen? The fact that the rejection will be real. My feelings will be real as soon as I tell her. Neither will be just words or thoughts, but things to face the consequences of. Things that neither my mind nor time will let me run from. Reality.
Anyways enough of real. (I said that word way too much, I think I might have to not use it again in the entire book.) Back to that conversation in actual time. This all happened in seconds in my head, see how schizophrenia messes with your head and time.
“Ah Alaska, the mere yoke to bear such.”
“Don’t call this a mere yoke. This is a catastrophe, how would u feel if they killed off your waifu?”
“Why would you say something so despicable?” I said in a teary, hurt, weeaboo voice.
“Fine, sorry, I know that's a touchy topic.”
“You knew that will hurt me but still you did that.” I said staring off dramatically into the distance as if I had just witnessed an injustice on the level of witnessing my parent’s death. This was my batman moment.
“Sorry, Oliver” she said sincerely coming so close as to violate my personal space.
(The most human contact I have had...well probably ever. We didn't even touch. My life really is depressing, okay? please send help…)
“I accept your apology…”
“Well if you two are done in the corner it would be nice if the class could start now?” echoed Mrs Soris from the depths of the classroom.
“Ugh her precious schedule am I right?” I ‘nonchalantly’ whispered to Alaska.
(I feel like this is the moment in which I am really putting on a front for her . Changing my entire being and hiding those puppy eyes I usually have for her and trying to be ‘cool’. It’s so stupid but I guess we all do it. Sorry that this chapter’s really chaotic and all over the place. My head’s all over the place with all my Alaska problems. The whole reality of us and how it might not be. Never mind, you read the chapter you know what’s going on with me.)
“Today class, we’ll be doing an experiment on light. We’ll be exploring refraction and reflection through different shapes and seeing their effects on waves.” drawled the teacher in her monotonous voice that deprived the entire class of their life energy. Mrs Soris was a vampire of joy and youth.
And so she directed the class to the back of the room to the table on which we usually did practicals in the lab. We were directed to a tiny green box that had a single hole that didn’t seem very impressive. Alaska and I being some of the shortest people in the class, rushed to the back to get a good view. We stood next to each other but with enough space to enable some breathing room. Creating a little pocket that we call the friend zone. Soris then went on to explain in the same monotonous voice about how and why light acted the way it did in certain situations before the actual experiment started. Then she switched on the light. She did some small setting up while rambling on about the same stuff from earlier. (Weird how all this played into her schedule but I couldn’t have a single conversation.) Anyways, the lights were off so my wonderful ‘friend’, Adley went and grabbed some nearby asses. Male and female and blamed it on me, sure it was funny but some people actually thought it was me.
Anyways, soon from nowhere a small yet bright light emitted from the little box and the room seemed alive. But now Alaska and had found ourselves in the corner of the lab. We were at the opposite side of the lab table obscured from the light and the gazes of the teacher and judgemental classmates. We were on the outcast side of the table. So no one was weirded out by us on this side of the table.
After a while I got bored of the stupid experiment and whatever we aimed to ‘discover’. I seriously worry about anyone who sincerely enjoys this stuff ya’ know. I realised the light kind of reached us but not in a illuminating sense more of an atmospheric vibe. The light danced from my eyes down to the table where it faded and reappeared dancing with death and existence like it was nothing. It carried my eyes all the way to a delicate hand, hers. The light walked up her arm to her face where it brought my feelings for her to the surface . As if puppeteered by the situation my hand reached out towards hers faster than the speed of light. I grabbed her hand and pulled her out from under her feet. She twirled near me, basically falling onto my shoulder, resting her head there as if she had always been there. She had joined as an extension rather than an add-on. We felt a connection that only through bravery and a single touch could have realised.
After all this occurred, I realised what had happened and had a mini anxiety attack. I looked down at her. She looked up at me. Surprised and afraid but in a good way like she feared this was a dream too good to be true. There was a sparkle in both of our eyes, hopefully it wasn’t just the light. That spark of hope in the universe for me became the death of a star. Intense energy and a new beautiful creation in the universe. A supernova is born. A burning intensity that will last for the rest of our lives. The end is the beginning I guess.
And so the lights switched on and she leapt from my arms. Sure I was a little hurt, but then anxiety kicked my brain into the normal mentality of what would other people say? (anxiety and schizophrenia often go hand in hand, but in case you couldn’t pick up from my behaviour I have both.) She and I had a new start but I had to wait for that stupid sunrise…Or did I?
Class ended and Alaska and I would go to our separate routes, kill the mood and almost forget this happened because no matter what, the magic would always be gone. That is what love was, lost in an instant but once it was there, it was forever. If given the moment to flourish that is, but we never would. The very sand slipped through my fingers as the lesson drove on and we smiled it away like idiots. But it was almost over. The bell rang and the sadness won, reality won. The moment was put to death but then I told her to wait for me outside of class.
When I exited the class, I saw her and we walked into the corner of C wing out of sight and out of mind. I grabbed her wrist and I pulled her close and lived as if the light was still dancing around us. As we were chest to chest, I asked, “Alaska May, will you be my girlfriend?”
I decided to be old school. Honestly, this was the most alive I had ever felt. For once I won and reality caved in as I turned sorrow into silk.
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