And off I went to English. It was a rather Tedious lesson of going over the work of William Golding’s, “Lord of the Flies”. It's an enjoyable, thought provoking story. But it feels as if he got lost along the way and filled the story with unnecessary descriptions. Time flew by in English class but because of all the work I couldn’t even talk to Alaska. So we had to go to break without uttering a single word of our mutual stupidity to each other. As I was at my locker, I looked in my bag and saw my homework diary was gone. Thinking back, I recalled that I left it on my bed in my typical morning rush. There was but one option…. I am going to have to ask someone. Eww, people. But who? I scanned the room. One blonde figure stood out and caught my eye in the bustling passage, it was Vanessa, Vanessa Hart.
(She and I go way back, two years to be precise. As you can see I am the king of sarcasm. We know each other but we don’t. Friends yet not. It’s quite an odd relationship yet, the type so many of us have. The awkward halfway mark between friends and acquaintances. The only reason we never became friends was because I didn’t want to have to fake being myself. I did this in primary school, when I met her. Anyways she was in my class so she knew what subjects we had next.)
“Hey Vanessa. Haven’t spoken to you in a while…”
“Hi Oliver.”
“Sorry to bother you, but what subjects do we have next ?”
“Oh, Maths and Business.”
“Thanks… then again not really, those subjects make me want to blow my brains out…”
“You and I both...”
We shared a laugh reminiscent of the old conversations we had. Followed by an awkward silence of realisation. Time had passed us by.
“...We should talk again sometime, like the good old days, don’t you think so Oliver?”
“Yah. I guess the old days were pretty good.”
(The ‘good old days’ were one of the darkest times in my life but pretty good nonetheless. But I shouldn’t get into that yet.)
“Anyways I got to go. Wouldn’t wanna miss break. I'll see you in business Oliver.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.” and she left with a smile that seemed fake but hinted at being genuine, then again everyone seems fake to me.
Break is my alone time. Who am I kidding. I only have alone time. I went to sit by the oldest tree on the school field, on the furthest side of the field. My place to get away from it all, sure I could be late for class because of it but I didn’t care. A tranquil rock pool, protected from the crushing waves of reality. At this place, time seemed to stop sometimes I swore it really did. I lied down there and closed my eye for a mere second. In a mere second, I was alone, nothing but the lone tree in an empty field.Not again...
“Guys?”
In that instant, I knew I was alone. The voices had completely stopped. But why? Why here? Why is this happening? It hasn’t happened for 3 years. Why now? Right when things had started to get good. I’m alone again trapped in my mind. Well, it should end soon. I hope… And so I waited. I waited for hours. As each each second went by the toll of a mental bell rang and dragged my mind closer to madness. I knelt down clutching my head in the pain of my loss of lucidity. I whispered aloud to myself, “I want to be alone but never like this. I want to be alone but never…”
“Alone…”
I looked up. There she was glimmering in the light, her silhouette illuminated in a goddess-like manner.
“...Take my hand, you’re going to be fine, Oliver, trust me.”
In that moment, I let go of my dread and grabbed her hand. And moments later, we were back at school…
“Thanks. Don’t worry. I will be fine it was just one of my schizophrenic episodes and now you know my darkest secret too.”
“But do I care though?”
“Well… do you?”
“Of course I don't , why would I?”
“Normal people do...”
“Do I look normal to you?”
“...Nope.”
We could only look at each other and laugh. And I thought to myself, I have to thank her for this.
“Hey Alaska…”
“Yes,Oliver?”
“Would you like to go out with me. Not like a date, just as a way to say thank you... unless you want it to be a date?” I mumbled.
She playfully poked me with a grinned and said, “I would love to, just as friends though, don’t get any ideas ...”
We then laughed it off and made plans for Friday night. That night, as I gazed at my ceiling, I thought for the first time I wasn’t alone. I had Alaska. There wasn’t anyone who I could describe this to, no one who I could share with, no one to experience anything with. I need a friend and so I took out my phone and went onto to instagram to dm someone, but who? Eureka! I’ll message Vanessa. But what do I say?
“Guys?”
“What?”they all said in unison.
“What do we say to Vanessa ?”
We all stood in the main hall of the labyrinth of my mind, in silence. The main hall was decorated in the typical cliches of Victorian era mansions. It screamed that I had ‘old money’. Now if only I had real money to match this mansion….
(You know I never really looked around in my head or at the other “me’’s, but they all look slightly different. I can’t say how though? A little older or something? It might just be my horrible vision.)
“Why not just say ‘Hey? Haven’t spoken to you in a while?’ ”
“That’s so boring though…”
“Do you have a better Idea?”
“No, but geez, why you so sassy?”
And so I messaged her. Then it was a matter of playing the waiting game… And so I waited. After hopelessly waiting for an hour or so, I finally got a reply.
“Hey, yah we haven’t spoke in a while Oliver. Hope you’re not boring now.”
“Funny...What you up to?”
“Nothing much and you?”
“Watching Erased.”
“Oliver what’s up? If I remember correctly, which I obviously do, you hate small talk?”
“Oh yah, sorry. I just thought small talk was how conversations started. What deep topics do you want to handle tonight then?”
"Let's talk about your life?"
“Uhm I've watched a lot of anime, neglecting my studies and I guess I met this girl, Alaska.”
“Who's Alaska?". She ended the question with an emoji that had the most suggestive look on it’s face.
“She’s a friend chill…. for now.”
“And the plot thickens...Tell me about her.”
“Ugh, Van she’s completely indescribable. Mind if I call you Van?”
“It’s not the greatest nickname ya’ know….”
“Oh well, it’s your nickname now.”
“Ah Oli, this is why we’re friends.”
“Please for the love of all that’s good in this world, NEVER call me Oli.”
“Oh well, it’s your nickname ya’ know.”
We both laughed both in the chat and in real life, well I did. (I hope she thinks I’m funny, I really need friends...There’s always that weird girl, Ophelia.) Then from there our conversation was perfect like the old days but this time I was myself. This was the beginning of a new start for Vanessa and I.
The week flew by and finally it was Friday which meant I was going to see Alaska...outside of school. Even the idea of being with her makes me unsteady. I was panicked in a daze, spending hours on my outfit, my hair, my face, literally everything. Nothing…could be out of place. I needed to be perfect for Alaska, because she was. She was perfect to me at least … (Dear reader I can low key see the look on your face… yes, I am a huge cliché but stop judging me. This is kinda my story…)
Finally, it was time for my ‘date’. Hmm never been on a date before… Sadly, I haven’t even been on a ‘date’, let alone a real one before. I somehow got to the mall with ten minutes to spare. I decided to take the initiative and collect the tickets, that I booked for us. Now that I think about it. I did skip the ‘embarrassment’ of standing in line with a pretty girl. Wait she’s just a friend? Why do I care what people think? She is just a friend, right? Ugh damn you hormones! Why must you cause a daily internal conflict with logic and my cyborg like emotions?
“Do cyborgs have emotions?”
“Of course they do, they’re part human...duh, do you even sci-fi?”
“But wouldn’t their robot half negate their emotions cause remember cyborgs are connected through the brain because of the nervous system being needed to control the robot half of the body, so wouldn’t the robot part of the brain be like 'we can’t catch the feels?'”
“Hmm, never thought about it like that. Both solid arguments . But their human side having emotions is what makes them cyborgs and not fleshy robots, aka androids.” Wait...the real world needs me, but hold onto this conversation guys cause maybe I’m wrong?”
And so I stood in the line for five minutes. It only inched forward but luckily the arranged time to meet with Alaska is way before the movie starts.
I got a message from Alaska.
“Hey. I'm here. Are you on your way yet?”
“Oh lol, I’ve been here for like five minutes in the line to get our tickets…”
“Oh...and you didn’t tell me? Wow Oliver, you really know how to hurt a girl…”
“Sorry. Ugh, now I feel bad and all I wanted to do was surprise you…. *insert the appropriate emoji here* ”
“Relax Oliver, I’m just messing with you.
“Pfft, I knew that...Meet me in the line okay?”
“Sure, see you soon.”
Oh no. She’s on her way and I’m going to be here in the line for a while with her... Me with such a chimera? I can feel the weight of the situation growing and starting to crush me under it’s immense weight. Why is being awkward so difficult? Why does everyone’s gaze have to pierce my soul? When she shows up not only will the amount of gazes increase my shyness will amplify tenfold. But why? The sad part is, I will never know why. Is this some horrid effect of evolution? Did these minor anxiety attacks help early man sense the dangers of socialising? Damn you science!!! I stood in the main hall of my mind, shaking my fist in the air at ‘science’. This was met by a random version of me calmly walking up to me and slapping me and saying,
“Don’t you ever disrespect science again, understand?”
“Yes..sir…”
“You better...idiot.”
And he just calmly walked away leaving me on the floor, twitching in horror and confusion.
Soon Alaska met me in the line. And somehow, I knew she felt awkward too. Turns out behind that confident exterior was just a cute, shy girl after all.
“Do you ever feel like people’s eyes are stabbing you?” she whispered.
“Not really but now that you mention it, they kinda are right now…”
“Oh, sorry.” she said sombrely.
“Don’t worry. You’re forgiven." I examined her further. "Hey. Is everything okay?"
“Nothing Oliver, don’t worry…”
“Alaska, I will poke you, if you don’t tell me.”
I stepped closer to slowly get ready to poke her and violate her personal space. My fingers were away mid poke and she yelled,
“DON’T POKE ME…. It really means nothing I swear.”
And we laughed the whole incident off and somehow, I understood her well enough to laugh when she wanted me to. This was the first time this had ever happened with anyone… because sadly the voices in my head don’t count. But as we stopped laughing, we slowly drifted into mere smiles. I stopped in that moment. I caught a glimpse of her smile. A glimpse that will forever be engraved into my mind. It was a smile, beautiful and pure not because of how it looked or the thoughts and emotions it conveyed but rather because it was hers. And somehow I ended up just staring and smiling back at her…
“Why the face Oliver?
“No reason…”
“No. I can read you. Tell me.”
“It really means nothing I swear…” I said her very same comment back to her with the biggest smirk imaginable.
Alaska said nothing, she only glared at me and I couldn’t help but notice how adorable she was when she was angry… Wow. I sound weirder than I really am. I like the most abnormal things about this girl. Wait... did I just say I like something about her? Am I starting to like her? No. Of course not, I just like something about my friend… yah totally...Oh god, here we go again…
Then somehow, we managed to get to the front of the line. We bought our tickets and our popcorn to see the movie. We saw the movie adaptation of a Honoka Yuki manga. Like all manga/anime-to-film adaptations, it was atrocious. Why can’t Hollywood leave quality material alone and stick to their guns and make cliché sequels and horrible remakes which aren’t nearly as bad as their anime/manga adaptations.
“On a scale of one to ten, how much did you hate the movie?”
“Oliver, it could have been worse...remember Ava…”
“Shhh don't say its name and never mention that movie ever again. I will end up breaking down in tears if I have to think about it even a little…”
“True, because the anime was amazing though but why’d you make that face earlier?”
“Wow... that really came out of nowhere?”
“I've been holding onto the question for a while now…”
“Well…”
“...?”
“You might kinda, maybe, sort of be adorable when you’re mad… at least I think so.”
(This is probably the biggest mistake of my life, she probably thinks I am just some creep now…)
“Don’t worry Oliver, I don’t think it’s creepy that you think that. It’s kinda sweet…”
“Stop reading my mind you she-devil...wait...sweet?”
We sat there in the food court outside the theatres and spoke for a whole hour before she had to leave. That conversation continued over the phone for hours until it was about four in the morning. We had to call it for the night there though because saying goodnight is important of course. We spoke about anime, the shallow things in life, ourselves, our past, our hopeful futures, we both kinda hoped we would know each other forever but neither could tell the other. The deeper stuff came into the mix of the conversation near the point of complete exhaustion but for some reason or minds would race with deep concepts, conundrums and shower thoughts. But neither Alaska nor I wanted to stop, we gave each other a sense of euphoria, well at least I felt like that. She was giving me something no other girl ever had, depth. Then again, she’s one of three girls, that I actually know.
I felt like tonight was the first time in forever, that I wasn’t miserable at best.
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