Some would call me malicious for such an act, but I simply see myself as a balanced act of one creator, and one destroyer. One cannot exist without the other, even if the majority of humanity act in reverse. They act to destroy those who destroy, creating a paradox, and they care for those who care. Just look at god, or some deity. If not monotheistic, one god often creates, and another destroys. Faith is one tricky being, and unkind to boot. As a being, faith just wants the benefit of a doubt, sometimes called hope. To be kind to that belief force, I gave all of them that benefit.
For Jordan, I did the very same thing as with Jenny, in a way. I befriended him by helping him get his grades up. When he was in the palm of my hand, I crushed him like he did with his feet to me not too long ago. Was it revenge, or just the balancing of bully ego? He was a normal, struggling human being with a story far too familiar to mention. I was playing the god I loathed so much.
No, I was not a good person in school, but at least I was not a robot like the others. If they did not approach me, they were not in danger. I maintained the balancing persona until the second year of high school. That was when one boy ruined it all for me. He was akin to a sore loser who would flip the table mid-game. Believe it or not, I needed that reset to get further in my kindness unto unkind things. His stupid name was Cole.
We met in the only class I did not enjoy, History. I did not like this subject because unkind things that occurred in the past could not be a part of my equation, thus did not belong in my head. Cole was such a normal student, even nominated for class president. If he never said anything to me, I would still be the same genius at destroying evil things out in the world, only to rebuild them stronger. After school, I’d have joined some kind of gang to destroy it by becoming the head over the years. That would have been an interesting outcome for my life, and yet he just had to be Cole.
“Hi, Iz,” he said sitting next to me.
“I don’t know you,” I replied, being truthful at the time.
“Well, there is a remedy for that,” he said reaching out a hand. “I’m Cole Reyholtz, with a ‘Z’.” The hand remained there without retreating. He sure wasn’t a quitter. I reached out and shook his hand.
“Izeya Madsen,” I said and glared him back into his seat. He was unkind in a nice manner, which confused my balance, pausing my game of behavior spectating to develop a new strategy.
Long story short, I became friends with him, and he made me into a person that only turned chaos into order. I started acting like a regular person because of him. I realize this wrecks the story, but that is what happened. Mom and Dad were happy of the change, and my teachers sighed with relief, but Cole felt guilty. He overwrote my basic programming, the basics that I learned from the beginning. This was already in college. I was studying psychology, and Cole was learning education.
“Did I do the right thing, Iz?” he often asked in reference to me.
“You turned someone who can only antagonize into a regular person,” I replied. We sat on a bench at the statue of Willardsworth Turner, the patron saint of balance and equality. “A do-gooder even. That’s a good thing, from what my instructors tell me.”
“The more I think about it, the more it feels like I've imprisoned you, Iz.” How long has it been since I last saw him smile? He’d been so worried about the matter that when his girlfriend left, he didn’t even try to chase after her. Was he interested in me instead? There was a degree of closeness between us, and I would have welcomed a sturdier connection than all the one-night-stands.
“You’re torturing yourself too much over something with no negative consequences, Cole,” I said with a hand on his shoulder. “At least that’s what my adviser Steve would say. Don’t lose your head over this. You’ve already lost your girlfriend.”
“Am I a good person, Izeya?” he asked without meeting my eyes.
“Undoubtedly, my friend,” I said. “Because if you weren’t, I’d be trying to save you, make you sickeningly plain.” I laughed, but he only looked over at me and put a hand to my cheek. I leaned in, uncertain what he was thinking. Before I could close the gap to his lips, he turned away.
“I’m sorry, Izeya,” he said, let go, and stood to walk away.
“That’s it?” I called out. There was nothing I hated more than teases. I ran up and yanked his wrist to turn him around. “You know I hate it when you clam up this way. Talk!”
“You were interesting, Iz,” he said. “I think I ruined the unique being you were back then.”
“So?” I asked. “I’m ok, Cole! Why do YOU get to shoulder my change? No, don’t answer! You don’t get to take that on! I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU!” I covered my mouth realizing what I just shouted at full volume. He was stunned, and I bolted for fear of his reply.
In truth, love was the most unkind of all forces. It made mistakes based on appearances. Led by the need to propagate genes, it implied that I should not love Cole for it would yield no offspring. That was my response to that horrid feeling. It was a giant middle finger to the one force most evil. I could be kind to it no longer, only kind to myself, and the feelings I let show at last. The ball was in his court now, though I fled the playing field. I had to give chase to a response, so I ran.
Without a moment of rest, I ended up under a bridge in the park. The sunlight cut off at the shadow of the stone arch. Cole was already there, on the other side in the sunlight. We shared a gaze, but as I walked into the dark space, he turned. Would he make me chase him now? He remained in place, lit with the sun until my hand pierced the threshold of the bridge’s shadow.
“I’m sorry, Iz,” he said. “I was too focused on what you became to realize what you felt. Since when?”
“I don’t know, Cole,” I answered. The words that burst out built up in my chest for a long time, but no solid start was evident. “Maybe it was when Sam and Ange- when Mom and Dad died. You were there for me, but I don’t think that did it.” Only one phrase could break all this uncertainty, tilt it into the basket, or miss the shot. I dreaded the coin flip’s outcome as I believed it to be.
“Don’t do that,” he spoke.
“What?”
“Don’t make everything into an unkind force that you have to be nice to,” Cole replied. “Didn’t we get past that phase?” He smiled and came up to me. With a hand on my neck, his lips neared mine until I could feel a lock snap open within me. It was my imagination creating an audible emotion for me, the freed heart. When we kissed, all felt right in the world.
What fleeting pleasures we drew from our bodies that night, lost in confines of flesh and mind. Both of us hid the secret from an unkind world, trying to bring only kindness to that which destroys our love. In the end, we still hide, together into endless time. We await a day when love is not bound by laws, in the everlasting gem that is us, our story. One day, the world will change.
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