The dancefloor was across from the room, on the other side of the stage. There were indeed people dancing, which I considered unusual. Most of them were couples. Here and there you could also find some very happy (and very drunk or high) people just dancing by themselves. Inviting Ceres to dance would basically be making a fool of myself. I mean, I didn’t even know how to dance. Ceres danced for a living. Big difference. Admittedly, this would give me the perfect opportunity to talk to Ceres in private. Except that this was precisely what I was trying to avoid.
And even if I asked her out, what would I say?
“Wanna dance?”
Yeah, no way I could say that.
Wait, what?
Ceres was looking intently at me. It wasn’t my imagination, she had actually asked me that question.
“I… don’t know how to,” I told her, truthfully.
“That doesn’t matter, does it?”
She got up from her seat and pulled me off mine. What was going on? At a moment’s notice, I was already being dragged toward the dancefloor. Before that moment I had butterflies in my stomach, now they seemed to have turned into actual dragons.
“Ceres?”
“Okay, look…” she said, as we stopped on the dancefloor. “The truth to dancing is that it doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you’re having fun. Just do your thing. Why don’t you give it a try?”
I smiled awkwardly. Nope. No, no, no.
You see, back at the karaoke, I didn’t mind singing badly because, well, for starters, Ceres was a terrible singer herself. Also, back then it had been just the two of us there. Now, the dancefloor was an entirely different situation. Not only was Ceres an skillful dancer, but I’d be dancing before a lot of strangers in a pub. That was even more mortifying than having to confess to Ceres… wait, no, strike that, confessing to Ceres was still a lot worse.
Ceres began to dance on her own. I looked around at what the others were doing, trying to pick up some clues. Maybe Ceres was right. Some of the people in the room were performing such awkward, all-over-the-place choreographies that it was hard to imagine I’d look foolish in comparison, no matter what I did. At the same time, I couldn't just stand there doing nothing, that was weird too. So I decided to give it a go.
Step here. Step there. Move the arms. Move the hips. Rinse and repeat. I could do that.
Surprisingly, Ceres saw what I was doing and decided to imitate me. We were probably looking like a pair of weirdos in sync. I laughed. Ceres smiled. My chest tightened.
The song ended. Pokémon-tattoo-guy started to play a folk song and had everyone either jump or clap along. That was easier than dancing. It was actually fun too, but incredibly exhausting. I glanced at Ceres at every five seconds or so, to see what she thought of it. Once more, just as had happened in the karaoke, Ceres looked like she was having the time of her life.
At last that song too ended. The whole thing was only a minute or two long, but I swear my legs couldn’t have taken another ten seconds of jumping.
Before the next song, Pokémon-guy spoke into the microphone.
“Hey everyone, for the next song I want you all to form couples. Friends too, come on. This song is for the lovers… and also for the singles out there celebrating the joy of life.”
Ceres turned to me and offered me her hand. Her hair was once again disheveled and unruly, thanks to all the jumping from the previous song. I realized I had grown fond of it, exactly like that. Her eyes never seemed to stop glistening, almost as if they each had a light of their own. But it was her smile that really made my blood feel like wildfire.
I took her hand. I could not have believed how much I was missing the warm touch of her hand, just then. And since I had already realized my feelings, I now began to want more of that touch, of her warmth. I wanted more of Ceres.
Then the song began. A ballad.
“Put your hand on my shoulder,” Ceres told me. She wrapped one arm around my waist, bringing me closer to her.
Throughout the dance our bodies were almost touching. I could feel the warmth of Ceres’ touch through the cotton of my shirt. I must have wished in secret at least a thousand times that she’d pull me closer, that she’d let me feel her body in a warm embrace. I wanted to touch her, to feel her, to kiss her. Please, God, if you exist, please let me have some of that, even if it’s just for a day. Was that too pretentious a request?
Ceres did not bring me closer. She just led me step by step in that slow dance, beside all the other couples, the lovers and the friends. I wondered which of the two we were.
That was the moment, I was sure. If I didn’t ask her then, I would never have the courage to do it again. I took a deep breath and called her name.
“Ceres…”
For a moment I could not say anything else.
“Say, Janis, Do you have someone you like?”
And because I hesitated, I missed the timing to ask her. Yes, Ceres, I do. I do have someone I like. It’s you, you fool. But dare I tell you that?
“Why do you ask?”
“Well, there was one more reason I asked you to dance…”
Hold on. Is this what I think it is?
“…I mean, I wouldn’t say this to you if you already have someone…”
It is. Oh god.
“…because I don’t want it to be a bother…”
This can’t be happening.
“So… if you’re not seeing anyone right now…”
This simply can’t be real.
“I mean… do you know my friend, Thomas?”
What?
“The… percussionist, right?” Thomas was the one sitting at the table with Zoe and the others. She nodded.
“That’s him. I called you here because I think he has a crush on you.”
No.
“Just thought I’d let you know,” said Ceres.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No! NO!
“I don’t… I don’t think I’m interested,” I told her.
“Oh, too bad,” she said. “He’s a really nice guy.”
“Ceres… er, excuse me… I need to go to the bathroom…”
“Sure,” she smiled. I had to look away. I simply could not bear to see her smile. Not then.
I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. I won’t cry, I promised myself, one more time. But I could not bear to remain in that place any longer. At that moment, I stopped caring about anything. I just dashed to the exit of the pub as fast as I could.
I won’t cry.
Outside, the street was lively. People were eating and drinking at the bars. The sky was dark with no stars visible and I could hear thunder from far away. The weather forecast had warned it would rain, that night.
I won’t cry. I kept repeating my promise to myself like a mantra. I tried thinking of other things, like school or work. If I did so, I was almost sure I could keep myself from crying.
Catherine rushed outside after me. Of course she had seen all of it. She probably hadn’t taken her eyes off Ceres and I for as long as we were on the dancefloor. Particularly not during the song of the lovers.
Goddamn lovers. You will not make me cry.
I did not want to talk to Catherine either. For once I preferred to be left alone. I turned away, towards the bustling street and ran. Ran from her though I knew it was useless. Catherine was an athlete, she could run twice as fast as I could. Before I could manage to reach the next block, I felt her arms pulling me to a stop.
“I won’t,” I said. I felt a raindrop on my face.
Catherine said nothing. She didn’t have to. She understood, as she always did. She simply hugged me, as tight as she could.
“I won’t cry,” I told her.
“I know,” she said.
The rain started to fall.
People began moving their tables under the awning, to shelter from the rain, which was quickly getting stronger. Those who had umbrellas opened them. Those who didn’t just began to walk faster, then run, then finally seek shelter. All the while, Catherine and I just stood there, under the rain.
“I’m not crying,” I told Catherine, sobbing.
“I know,” she said. “It’s the rain.” §
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