I was blaming myself for everything. Had I been at home the day before, things would have gone differently. When he last found us, four years ago, I was probably too young to have done anything about it. But I wasn’t that young anymore. Had I been home, I could have done something to stop him.
Moving again would mean losing a year of school, because the selection processes for public high schools were only held at the end of the year. I’d also have to find myself another job. I'd have to say goodbye to my friends from school and I might never get to see Ceres again.
My chest tightened.
What now, heart?
Well, kudos to myself for the efficiency. I had successfully fallen in love, given up on that love and decided to move away in less than twenty-four hours. That was the shortest-lived first-love in the history of romance.
Had I been old enough, I could have drunk to that, maybe while telling all about it to a random stranger at a bar. You know, as they do in movies. But I was a minor, and a high school student to boot. People deal with things like that differently in high school.
I got to school about fifteen minutes before classes started and I knew she was already there, somewhere. I hunted about the school grounds for a while before I was able to find her.
My best friend was sitting on the steps near the pool, playing with a stray tabby cat. I chuckled. That was a lot like her.
“Good afternoon, Jay,” she said as I walked up to her. I grabbed her left arm and dragged her to the other side of the soccer field. There was a place behind the changing rooms where I knew we’d have some privacy.
“I need you, Cath. It’s urgent.”
Catherine was my closest friend. Remember when I said I had kissed some friends from school before? Well, that was mostly Catherine I was talking about. We’d been together ever since middle school. We even decided to go to the same high school. And though we wound up in different classes, she was still the one person I trusted the most in the world.
“What’s the deal?” she asked, when we stopped behind some trees at the edge of the school grounds. Our secret hiding spot.
“That man hit my mom.”
“No way! Your ex-father?!” She was probably the only person I knew who used that expression, though that was exactly how I saw the guy. “How did he find you two? And how is your mother?”
“She’s at the hospital, but it’s nothing serious, I think. I said I’d take her home today after school.”
“Was he there? At your house, I mean. Did you see him when he hit her?”
“I… didn’t…”
The next part was a bit difficult for me to say. I think the only reason I managed to tell it to Cath was because this was Catherine we’re talking about. She was the closest thing I had to a sister. We’ve seen each other naked a bunch of times. She even saw me poop once, though that is not a story I like to remember. Let’s skimp on the details, if you will.
“I… didn’t sleep at home last night…”
Catherine’s jaw dropped.
“No way!” she said, surprised and amused. “I can’t believe this, Jay! You slept with a guy!”
Sigh. I knew she’d say that. God, why is this so hard to tell?
“It wasn’t… exactly a guy…”
At first Catherine seemed confused. Then her expression changed.
“Wait… oh, no, you didn’t!”
“Nothing happened, okay?”
She began to pace.
“Janis… oh god, Janis… are you for real? Who is she?”
“A customer from the shop.”
“OH NO YOU DIDN’T!”
“Quiet! Someone will hear us.”
“Okay, I gotta sit down. And you gotta tell me this story from the start.”
And I did tell her. About how we met at the store and that I then learned her name because her ID fell on my lap. I told her about skipping class and about our second meeting in the city center. Ceres’ performance. The wine afterwards. Her sister Zoe. The karaoke. Sleeping in Ceres’ bedroom. Then I told her about us staying up late together to watch the sunrise (though in retrospect, telling it like that sounds a lot more romantic than it actually was). Catherine listened to all of it without interrupting me once. When I was finished, she asked:
“So you didn’t kiss?”
“No, we didn’t.”
“And you didn’t sleep together? In the same bed, I mean.”
“No.”
“But you wanted to kiss her.”
“Yes.”
“Do you still want to kiss her?”
Catherine didn’t beat around the bush.
“Yes,” I admitted.
“Right. And do you want to sleep with her?”
“My god, Cath!”
“What?! I need to know!”
I looked away. It was hard enough to answer all of this without having to look at Catherine’s inquisitive eyes.
“…yes,” I admitted.
“You do?” Catherine raised her eyebrows.
“Yes, I do.” I felt my cheeks blush furiously.
“Wow… that’s just… wow! Is she your first love, then? Are you gay? Or like, bisexual, maybe?”
“I don’t know,” I told her. “But yeah, I think it’s the first time I’ve felt this way about someone.” I held my face in my hands. “My god, what do I do?”
“Well…” Catherine came closer to me. For the first time that day I felt that she was really trying to be empathetic. She placed her hand on my shoulder amiably. “For starters… why don’t you tell her how you feel?”
“I can’t.”
“It might work out.”
“Would you do it in my place?”
“Hell no, I’d be scared to death with just the thought of it. But… you know, Janis, I think you’ve got a shot. I mean, look at you. You’re the prettiest and funniest girl I know. And you’re kind, brave, anyone can see that in you if they just get to know you better. I know you don’t think you are special, but girl, take my word for it, you are. I’m sure this Ceres girl knows this as well. Plus, if what you told me is true, then I think there’s a fair chance she might be into you as well. You have to ask her, Jay.”
“What if she says no?”
“What if she says yes? Have you thought about that possibility? It can’t happen if you don’t ask her.”
“It won’t happen either way, Cath. She doesn’t see me that way.”
“Oh, come on! You even watched the sunrise together. How romantic is that?”
“It wasn’t really romantic.”
“Nope, it totally was. Come on, let’s be serious here, Jay. She’s your first love and it looks like there’s a chance it could be mutual. You’ll be a fool if you even think about running away from this. Believe me, Jay, I know.”
“How do you know?”
“Well, a girl’s gotta know those things, my little gay friend. Now promise me you’re gonna try to talk to her.”
“I promise you nothing.”
We laughed. Suddenly it was as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. When things got tough, talking to Catherine would often have this effect on me.
“You know what,” she said, “screw classes. You ditched yesterday, you can ditch with me again today. I feel like having a milkshake.”
“I can’t, really, Cath. If mom finds out I’ve skipped again today, she might see it as a sign that she has to go back to him. Or something.”
“Wait, did your mom say something like that?”
I told Catherine about our conversation at the hospital. She stood in silence for a moment, thinking about it. I concluded that this was, in her own words, “a bigger problem than the gay one”. Something that we had to thing about more carefully, before we managed to come up with any solutions. It was decided that we’d go back to classes, I’d take my mom home in the evening and Cath would keep in touch with me. Catherine’s father was a police officer, so she said she’d talk to him to see what options we had, in this situation. Once again, Catherine was being a huge help.
Later during the classes, I received the first of Catherine’s text messages. It had nothing to do with my mother, though. In fact, the sole contents of the message were:
U GAY.
Curse you, Catherine. §
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