*This chapter contains SPOILERS for Stranger Things Season 2*
Hey Dan.
Let me give you some background.
Remember that night we all stayed up watching the second season of Stranger Things? Only a few of us made it all the way through the season. You had to leave pretty early on to make your shift on the radio. Everyone else drifted in and out as they could. It wound up just being me, Frank, Jordan, and Nora in the end.
Frank was a little cruel that night, shushing us at the smallest noise. It should have clued me in to how he'd act later, but honestly I was just so excited to be a part of something so... typical? Pulling our mattresses onto the floor and watching television until an ungodly hour felt so correct. It was the exact kind of thing that movies taught me to expect to happen with my best friends. And it was actually fun. There are all these experiences that we're expected to participate in and enjoy that just suck in reality. But this one didn't and I was excited about that.
Anyway, there’s a scene later on (SPOILER ALERT I guess if you still haven’t finished it Dan, but also I don’t really care) when Nancy and Jonathan finally kiss. I was obsessed with that scene. It goes down like this. They each retreat to their separate rooms, seeped in sexual tension. It seems for a second like nothing is going to happen. Like much of the rest of the show, we’ll be frustrated by the unfulfilled promise of them finally getting together. Only we’re not. Nancy gets up and rushes to the door only to find Jonathan already waiting there, just outside. And they kiss.
There was something about that kiss. It was so passionate, so unexpected and exciting and youthful. At the time, I’d never had a kiss like that. Every kiss in my life had been planned in this really specific way. I’d been asked to kiss, or set up to, or in a relationship for so long there was nothing surprising about it anymore. So I saw that kiss and I was filled with this intense longing. I had just broken up with Jake and I missed having someone to feel that way about and having someone feel that way about me. At the time, I didn’t put that desire onto you necessarily, though I’m sure you crossed my mind.
So flash forward four months. Do you remember the night before we first kissed? When we sat in the conference room and just stared at each other? It was 3 in the morning and everyone else had finished their homework and gone to bed. You and I were alone, sitting across the table from one another. For a long time we just sat there and stared. And I feel this electricity in my palms that was impossible to ignore. I felt sick to my stomach (in the good way). That night I knew for the first time that we were building toward something. It was impossible for us not to collide after that. One way or another, our platonic relationship was gone forever.
And I wanted it so bad.
So the next night we’re in the kitchen. You remember this part, but I’m going to tell you how it felt. I was so fucking nervous. I knew you liked me. It was obvious. But I didn’t know if you would, or if we should act on that. So we’re sitting there. And neither of us wants to go to bed. And we just… stall. We’re watching stupid videos and we’re talking about nothing. You massaged my back. I leaned into your chest. You rested your arm on my leg.
And finally the night winds down. It's getting to be 3am and we both have class in the morning. And I think nothing will happen, again. So I lean against the trash can and you ask me to move and I say “make me.” And to your credit, you hesitate. But it’s clear what we both want and there’s no going back. And the tension is just building and building in that moment. I was simultaneously certain and totally unsure that anything would happen. It’s like you said, no matter how many signals we sent each sent, you can never be sure until you’re sure.
Then you kiss me.
And it is exactly like the kiss in Stranger Things. We are finally expressing this monumental repressed attraction. For a second, there was nothing beyond that kiss. Your hands were in my hair and mine were on your back. That night... that moment was so fucking good.
But it was all bullshit. And I knew that. Maybe not that night, but definitely the next one. Do you know how that feels? To be so excited and sure about something and then have it dissolve almost immediately? Not only have it dissolve immediately, but know that it’s going to dissolve and having to pretend like you don’t? Like you don’t know someone is using you? You may think you do, but you don’t.
You used me. And I know you know that, but I need you to understand just how shitty that was. Just how much you hurt me. Because you may think you do, but you don’t.
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